I don't know what to do right now I don't know what to think right now. I know its not just about the phone its about a lot of things. I don't think, even when i try I can't even when I want to I can't just hit me it will be better if someone beats the shit out of me. I am sorry so sorry but you don't want to hear that anymore and I understand its okay You have every right to be angry every right to upset but please I am on my knees again pleading please please understand. I know you neeed someone too i know I am a handful and you need someone to rant and rave to aand I understand but there is nothing i can do I will forget the money and look anyway I would rather lose that than lose you. I know a silly phone won't make or break us but my insecurities arise when I am weak and in this moment I am weak I am vulnerable and am doing all i can to make sure that old habits don't return I too am at my wits end I am so frustrated with myself everytime i want to start anew I always disappoint you You are amazing your my world and I want it to stay that way I refuse to give up your mine and it will stay that way because I can feel it in my soul that I am yours and you are mine.
I love you ! no matter what I will always love you
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Day of Silence
I hear the sounds of heated discussion and I wonder is it about me. Not to sound self involved but the fights usually are about me. I am simply a cover up of something else gone array.
Today has been odd. I haven't spoken to anyone really well not with my voice anyhow and spent today thinking (dangerous I know). Thinking about what I want out of life and what I need out of life and how to get both to coexist. Talks need to be had and words need to be written, mostly I need to learn to use my words again. There was once a time where I was able to eloquently describe an emotion or was able to precisely convey a thought I had. There is just so much inside me now that I wonder if perhaps I have let it sit far too long for words to suffice. When I start to talk I begin to feel silly, like this is just some prolonged PMS mode that my emotions are in. I am scared and don't know why. Perhaps this is all just the side affects of being beaten in the head by a chair. I was thinking about those mountains I want to climb and that yoga I need to do and today it just felt so I don't know. The passion for me to do these things is still there, that isn't it, its just today. Today is a weird day and I will leave it to that.
*Look Forward*
must talk:
wanted
needed
necessary
use words
Today has been odd. I haven't spoken to anyone really well not with my voice anyhow and spent today thinking (dangerous I know). Thinking about what I want out of life and what I need out of life and how to get both to coexist. Talks need to be had and words need to be written, mostly I need to learn to use my words again. There was once a time where I was able to eloquently describe an emotion or was able to precisely convey a thought I had. There is just so much inside me now that I wonder if perhaps I have let it sit far too long for words to suffice. When I start to talk I begin to feel silly, like this is just some prolonged PMS mode that my emotions are in. I am scared and don't know why. Perhaps this is all just the side affects of being beaten in the head by a chair. I was thinking about those mountains I want to climb and that yoga I need to do and today it just felt so I don't know. The passion for me to do these things is still there, that isn't it, its just today. Today is a weird day and I will leave it to that.
*Look Forward*
must talk:
wanted
needed
necessary
use words
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