A Small Step for Mankind a Giant Step for Me

I have climbed to the top of an unnamed hill behind my college. This hill only took me an hour to climb and considering I am sooooooo out of shape it is probably a walk in the park for those who are fit. The thing is its rather steep not bouldering steep but still I wouldn't want to fall down it. I had a fear of falling, I don't know why and I don't know where it went, but its gone and I am glad. Next feat the M mountain. Hey that one is at least legit, there is a website that has trails mapped and that one is on it so even if it is tiny its another huge step for me.

Born Into Brothels

I just watched this documentary about these children born into brothels. They are amazing children, who have horrendous lives but smile anyways. The life they were born into is the only life they have ever known and for most the only life they will ever know. I watch them and see how mature and smart these children are, and they are just tossed aside like garbage, they are put to work like slaves, and their own families when given an opportunity do not let them out. Yet you can't solely blame them it is the life they themselves were born into and don't know anything else. However I am not even a mother and I can understand and feel from just watching this movie that I want the best for them, it breaks my heart to see that most don't get that chance of an education, that chance to hope for something greater than their surrounding.

I want to help these children, I want to do more than just here and type out my thoughts, because it could have easily been me in that movie. I could have been born into such an environment, no matter what I have gone through, no matter how severe the hardships nothing compares to theirs. Knowing that there are children out their who desperately need help makes me feel somewhat selfish for wanting to bare children; there are already so many. I will never know the children in this documentary and they will never know me but I would hope that anything positive I send out sends the ripple to them, they truly deserve it.

*Look Forward*

I hope to adopt a child, and I really hope that I can make a child who came from poverty and hardship see that they are worth a family who loves them, that they are worth the time and attention. Even though I still plan on baring my own, I know that none of my future children will be taken for granted or favorited. Everyone is worthy of unconditional love.

Photos: Top by Zana "Group Shot"Archival print on Somerset papers, Mid-left by Manik, 10 "Puja"Archival print on Somerset paper, Mid-right by Avijit, 11 "Self Portrait"Archival print on Somerset paper, Bottom by Suchitra, 14 "Girl on a Roof"Archival print on Somerset paper

Website: http://kids-with-cameras.org/home/

Savory Apples

I once wrote a poem about savory apples just outside a window back when I could still write. I described these apples so beautifully that they were edible. The whole idea was that they were untouchable. I chose apples because of their history with whole garden of Eden thing(Although some cultures believe it was pomegranate). These apples of mine represented all my desires at that time, not so long ago. I was 16 and very lonely, I was a lesbian and alone and saw so many people around me find understanding through friendship and community. I hadn't and was dying inside bearing this secret. These apples were just out of reach, I watched them bloom and fall and wished for only a bite. It hurt so much being so alone. It wasn't till I visited SF did I realize fully that I wasn't alone that I could find community. Still I longed for friendship and possibly love. I have since found both and I do not judge eve at all.

The used, my family my life

The Taste Of Ink

Is it worth it can you even hear me

Standing with your spotlight on me

Not enough to feed the hungry

I'm tired and I felt it for awhile now

In this sea of lonely

The taste of ink is getting old

It's four o' clock in the fucking morning

Each day gets more and more like the last day

Still I can see it coming

While I'm standing in the river drowning

This could be my chance to break out

This could be my chance to say goodbye

At last it's finally over

Couldn't take this town much longer

Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be

Now I'm ready to be free

So here I am it's in my hands

And I'll savor every moment of this

So here I am alive at last

And I'll savor every moment of this

And won't you think I'm pretty

When I'm standing top the bright lit city

And I'll take your hand and pick you up

And keep you there so you can see

As long as you're alive and careI promise I will take you there

We'll drink and dance the night away

We'll drink and dance the night away

savor every moment of this

As long as you're alive

Here I amI promise

I will take you there

And won't you think I'm pretty

When I'm standing top the bright lit city

And I'll take your hand and pick you up

And keep you there so you can see

As long as you're alive and careI promise I will take you there

As long as you're alive and careI promise I will take you there

savor every moment of this

This is exactly how I feel at this moment. I was angry just a second ago thinking shit I can't sleep and have to wake up in a few hours and why must I always compete with people I will always lose. Then it hit me this isn't about winning or losing but family. Why do others feel such bonds with their blood families when I don't? but I must if I feel guilt for so many things with mine. I feel guilt for not calling on their birthdays not protecting them not being strong enough to stand up for myself, or call him on his hospital bed.

It is just recently I felt like this could be my chance to break free of all the hateful things I've been told over so many years. I am happy with me and am rejoicing in that realization, so many years of self hatred and loathing and finally it is over. And I will savor every moment, even if it is tainted a little with guilt.

*Look Forward*

I have thought that I have gotten over everything so many times I hope with every fiber of my being that this time it is true. That this time I am truly free and that should it all just be a mirage, the fall won't be as hard as my last. I am worried of becoming depressed. This is my first time in a LONG time not having any feelings of deep wounds bleeding and it is exciting and scary all in the same. Everytime I have the urge to cry or do think about past memories I am unsure how normal people handle these things how normal people just feel sad for a second and not a month. Although I am starting to see that anger and sadness are feelings that don't affect overall happiness and I am glad :D

Things I have always wanted to do:

Not in any order (minus the first six those I really really wanna do)

-Get married and have a family

-Own a home

-Become a chef

-Win a cooking competition

-Climb a mountain

-Rock climb

-Drive

-Learn to play piano

-Be a published writer

-Play ice hockey

-Throw a dinner party

-Make a cake

-Join the peace corps

-Travel the world

-Live in Canada, Big Bear, in a tree, and New York

-Visit France, India, Australia

-Produce an album

-Be the best at something

-Own my own business

-Fix a car

-Build a wooden treehouse

-Get in a fist fight

-Work at disney

-Fluently speak French

-Sign Fluently in ASL

-Go to a lesbian bar

-Successfully Dance in a lindy circle

-Teach something

-Get a tattoo

-Pierce my lip

-Become a wine conniseur

-Become a yoga instructor

-Have a useful garden

-Be comfy in my own body

-Be the best person I possibly can be.

*Look Forward*

Ten years from now I would like to be halfway done with this list.

No More Hiding

here is a short poem( I haven't written a poem in so long so please bare with me)

year 1 Born into strife

year 5 innocence gone

year 6 earthquakes start

the foundation itself is just too shaky

year 8 anger and still I hide in the corner

year 11 hatred and I still feel hated

year 16 appeared a savior

not the right time

year 17 closets empty

disappeared till I saw the demons weren't lost

hearts exchanged

souls rearranged

year 19 the demons whisper

regrets made

lost and left(again)

year 20 found home

broke, uneducated, and happy

the demons no longer appear

love is all I hear

Crappy I know but I thought I should take a look at my life and in a few short lines tell the story so everything would seem simple.

*Look Forward*

10 years from now I want to remember this feeling I have right now, I feel so much love and for once I am not letting it in a little at a time. I have opened the flood gates to let it ALL in, I am good enough.

Bi-polar thoughts

I had an appt. with the disablity office today. It sorta feels like I am giving up, I am not sad, or mad or even numb. I am angry sure, angry that this is all I can do to support myself and yes you know what I will call it what it is, what it truly has become over these many years, my family. The two of us married or not, children or not, house or not we are a family and at one time I wanted to be the breadwinner I wanted to take care of her. The roles have switched though over time and I have accepted that and actually feel better in the role I am now. Yet I still feel the residual guilt of letting her down. I have tried and tried till I simply can not try anymore, but I am trying still with some force that I can't explain driving me. It still sorta feels like I am giving up, giving up my independence finally stating to the world that yes I have epilepsy and yes I have finally accepted that I won't ever be able to do all the things people take for granted daily. Like driving, staying up for 24 hours because your having so much fun, remembering important memories. or having children. It really sucks having to hear about all these wonderful memories that appearantly I have second hand, knowing only what hasn't been fried by a seizure. Knowing that no matter what I do I will never be as smart as I once was, knowing that I may never be pregnant and have a baby. Something I wanted for most of my life. And none of this is my fault, I didn't take drugs, I never popped pills, did coke nothing! At least if it was my fault I would be able to pinpoint exactly why this happened to me, I would be able to say "yes this is my penence for being a bad human." I am no longer depressed I am no longer suicidal or see the cup as half empty, for once I am living in the moment. And yes I am still angry, but what can I do? I am terrified of going somewhere to far without someone I know. If you know me then you would be suprised you would say what happened to that self assured independent woman. Sorry this is supposed to celebrate the fact that I am no longer being visited by death, that I am no longer on some bed crying, because I am really happy, but I guess anger wanted to come out and play. Perhaps I will congratulate myself tomorrow when I have had time to sleep. For now anger is sitting at the surface and thats okay, because tomorrow is another day and true happiness doesn't fade :)

*Look Forward*

Get a new brain.

Reaching my goals, literally

I have been many things in my short life, dancer, baseball player, spelling bee loser, artist(the one that I cherish the most)chef hopeful, theater fanatic, uber dyke, uber wiccan,(those have toned down...some)uber nerd, uber lost, found, pre-k wanna be teacher, chef hopeful, and now a climbing hopeful. I want to climb mt. whitney. It started as a suggestion by my beautiful girlfriend. At first I laughed it off and then I looked it up. I have been captured by the scenery, it is the the highest summit in USA (excluding alaska and hawaii). It is now a goal of mine to make it up there in one day, do all the trails, and do a full moon hike up it, not all once of course. I started my work out today (it will be awhile till I am fit and prepared to do this hike.) walking/running on the treadmill for 45 min. Baby steps is what I believe will give me the fitness level I need to not only climb mt. whitney but others as well. There are so many mountains in my back yard why not get into climbing. California is so rich in everything (except jobs of course), I don't believe I would really want to live anywhere else.

*Look Forward*

I want to climb....

-the M hill (a reachable starting point)

-San Jacinto

-San Gorgonio

-Whitney(both main and mountaineer's route)

-st. helen

-half dome

-bald mountain

-whatever else I can

Now to find a climbing buddy

Broken thoughts that are longer than 140 characters

Today I woke to find myself close to tears and I don't know why. Ya its probably just left over angst from my teenage years, but still I can't seem to shake it.

I had another "oh my god I can't believe it moment!" yesterday I hugged her and just wanted to continue to feel her on me. Still after three years I can't believe I fell in love, moreover I can't believe she fell in love with me. I am currently trying to uncover my former self. Sorta like an archeoligist digging for fossils. Not the bad characteristics but the ones that made her fall in love with me in the first place. I am giving space and trying to get cool calm collect again, instead of zany and crazy although they have their place too. It isn't that I am not good enough the way I am but i should try to keep the person she loves in play not the crazy teenager in love. You know that girl that makes you want to puke because every word out of her mouth is about her beau when she used to have intelligent thoughts and could express them.

I really feel like dancing, I want to go to a club and just go at it, but alas I am not old enough for the good clubs and have no one who wants to go...Poo!

I have been many places in the last four years and still I find I am unhappy anywhere without her.... I have had enough of jetsetting! (morningwood)

AHH i need to cook, it has been a whole week since anything has come out of my kitchen. Well I did make cornbread that she loved but I wanna make a meal, and have her just love it she can't stop eating or kissing me lol

if i lost you i would be living dead... I had a dream that could be subconciously telling me that my demons I have to constantly fight are losing and are no longer a threat to her and I am relieved he is finally gone she helped see that I could win I owe her my life.


where has the kink gone, I am not holding anything back from this blog anymore. Really I wanna know where has that girl gone. I must find her find, I must because she is a part of myself that was okay with accepting pure pleasure without guilt without apology and without regard for tomorrow and only saw herself the way she looks in her head, Sexy, irrisistable and ready to submit.

I like moving my body, i can't sit still and yet all i long for is to be still and at peace.

I used to have a passion for human rights, for social equality and making sure that everyone saw it in their lifetime. It isn't that I don't feel that anymore it's just my hope in people has dwindled over the years I guess.

These are the many sides of me and there are many more but no peeking!

*Look Forward*

Hopefully I will find peace someday, I want to find a coven and finally feel like the god and goddess are truly in me and that I am part of something bigger than myself.