Bi-polar thoughts

I had an appt. with the disablity office today. It sorta feels like I am giving up, I am not sad, or mad or even numb. I am angry sure, angry that this is all I can do to support myself and yes you know what I will call it what it is, what it truly has become over these many years, my family. The two of us married or not, children or not, house or not we are a family and at one time I wanted to be the breadwinner I wanted to take care of her. The roles have switched though over time and I have accepted that and actually feel better in the role I am now. Yet I still feel the residual guilt of letting her down. I have tried and tried till I simply can not try anymore, but I am trying still with some force that I can't explain driving me. It still sorta feels like I am giving up, giving up my independence finally stating to the world that yes I have epilepsy and yes I have finally accepted that I won't ever be able to do all the things people take for granted daily. Like driving, staying up for 24 hours because your having so much fun, remembering important memories. or having children. It really sucks having to hear about all these wonderful memories that appearantly I have second hand, knowing only what hasn't been fried by a seizure. Knowing that no matter what I do I will never be as smart as I once was, knowing that I may never be pregnant and have a baby. Something I wanted for most of my life. And none of this is my fault, I didn't take drugs, I never popped pills, did coke nothing! At least if it was my fault I would be able to pinpoint exactly why this happened to me, I would be able to say "yes this is my penence for being a bad human." I am no longer depressed I am no longer suicidal or see the cup as half empty, for once I am living in the moment. And yes I am still angry, but what can I do? I am terrified of going somewhere to far without someone I know. If you know me then you would be suprised you would say what happened to that self assured independent woman. Sorry this is supposed to celebrate the fact that I am no longer being visited by death, that I am no longer on some bed crying, because I am really happy, but I guess anger wanted to come out and play. Perhaps I will congratulate myself tomorrow when I have had time to sleep. For now anger is sitting at the surface and thats okay, because tomorrow is another day and true happiness doesn't fade :)

*Look Forward*

Get a new brain.