what a month

This month I have regained some sort of normality agian. Not about myself because I found that along the way this year, my old self and am seeking to find people I can start a Foodnotbombs function with, I am determined to make a difference in this life! No this normality, well actually it is stability that has returned, I got a job as a reservation manager for a moving company. Thats right folks an office job, the kind that i protested when i was in my 8th grade band the evil pixies, and I guess still did till i got hired last week. I think I was worried about becoming jaded and stuck. I don't want to end up like my father, who should have been computer engineer but got stuck in a hospital(the money got to him). I guess I was afraid the money would get me comfortable, but I will say that there is not enough money where I am to get comfy. I just had to prioritize again, as one does when their thoughts are like a game of pictionary, scribbles all over the place trying to form a complete thought. I have once again made the list that will be posted on my desk to remind me why I am talking to the angry customer about how the truck seats aren't soft enough. It is the list that has all my priorities/dreams/goals on it.

L

house

marriage

kids

happiness

This list has gotton me through tough rushes, bad customers and spilled drinks. Now it will again serve its purpose when I want to take a nap at my desk or just can't take another call about why can't they bring the truck to somewhere else if blockbuster charges you then what do you think will happen with a vehicle.

Also this month I got a kitty!!! Her name is december and at the moment she is asleep on my bed oh excuse me her bed. I love her sooooo much, she has for now stopped my biological time clock from ticking so loud. I know I am twenty but I just can't help it i have the need. Anyway I love getting up in the morning and see that she is patiently waiting by my head pawing ever so gently just enough to wake me for her breakfast. Not to sound like crazy cat lady, but this love is so different I understand it now and am glad that I was given this gift, for christmas no less. My amazing girlfriend L gave her to me and that makes it even better because i think of her everytime i look at December and am overcome with love. Yes i know sappy but what can I say I feel I have purpose even if it just to sustain this cat's life.

Well off to bed must get up early to feed the kid and get ready for work :)

*look forward*

This year is coming to an end and there are many things I want to make better not change. Change implies that it must be a 180 which is an impossible goal and would be setting myself up for failure.

Things to better:

eating habits: switching to a mostly vegitarian diet and organic if i can help it

exercise: try my best to go for hike and do yoga at least once a week if not more

personality: try to ask how was your day? more often and less chatter about mine

also try to be less passive and explain how i feel about something when I feel it.

Spiritually: do ritual once a week if not more and meditate twice a week try to remember that the universe is one and that peace can be found anywhere.

Determination: take my GED passing is what I want but right now the focus is doing the best I can so the pressure won't promise me a fail. Also try even in a tiny effort to start a foodnotbombs function.

General:make someones day a little better

Yearning for Peace

Its always about now at 2am when everyone is asleep, and everything is silent that I feel that fire inside me. That yearning to do something more with my life. There is a person who is living the life I had imagined for myself and I got to thinking why can't I live it I have a beautiful supportive girlfriend and that fire inside me that wants to do more, thats wants to be more. Although the peace corps isn't a possibility at the moment (hopefully someday when we are married we can go) I still want to do something to make a difference in this world. She believes I can I believe I can so I will! I will no longer look upon that person with envy but with inspiration.

*Look Forward*
I know its been awhile since this part has happened but i felt a little lost for a bit, but as sanity returns so does my motivation to keep going. I think for now the farthest I can look forward is tomorrow I really need to take it one day at a time and focus on changing my situation for the better. Volunteer, GED, Employment, School, etc.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THATS IT!

ITS 3AM AND I AM AWAKE BECAUSE I HAVE INSOMNIA DUE TO WELL ME. SO MANY THOUGHTS RUN THROUGH MY HEAD AND I KNOW THE MOMENT I LAY DOWN THATS IT THEY WILL ALL GANG UP ON ME AND SOME EVEN INVADE MY DREAMS. YOU KNOW WHAT THOUGH I AM SICK OF SITTING I AM SICK OF FEELING ASHAMED BECAUSE I AM NOT AS SUCCESSFUL AS I SHOULD BE OR THAT I AM NOT AS FIT AS I WANT AND NEED TO BE THATS IT! FOR TOO LONG I HAVE SAT HERE WITH ALL THESE VOICES TELLING ME I AM NO GOOD I AM JUST A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT AND THAT I AM SOMEONE TO POINT AND LAUGH AT WELL NO MORE! I AM ME! DOES EVERYONE UNDERSTAND I AM WHO I AM AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT YOU CAN FUCK OFF BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE PLEASING EVERYONE ALL THE TIME I CAN'T TAKE THE SMILING AND THE LAUGHING AND THE CONSTANT WISHING THAT I WAS A BETTER FUCKING PERSON CUZ YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN BE NO I WILL BE! SO FUCK YOU TO WHOEVER DOESN'T BELIEVE ME AND FUCK YOU TO WHOEVER DOESN'T LIKE WHAT I AM SAYING. I AM JUST SICK OF WASTING MY TIME DOING NOTHING I WILL GET MY GED I WILL MAKE THIS BUSINESS A SUCCESS, I WILL GET MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN AND LIVE IN A BEAUTIFUL HOME AND I WILL CLIMB A FUCKING MOUNTAIN. WHEN ALL OF THAT IS DONE I WILL GO TO THOSE NAY SAYERS AND SPIT IN THEIR FACES! I AM DONE THATS IT!

Dear Yous

Words to people I know, pick the right one and see what is really inside me.

To whomever this my concern,

Do you think about me as much as I about you, if you saw me would you blame or would you simply nod your head and say see I told ya so.

Are you happy, do my failures take their toll. I try please note. Still I see I notice your distance. Maybe my best is not enough maybe you want to give up but the smile I have seen will make me fight till the grass is again green. More patience is all I can ask, unfairly I know. Water me and watch me grow, this year has bared no fruit yet when your not watching I will sprout to the ceiling. Your efforts will be rewarded.

Where have you gone? perhaps family was too strong a word. I am noticing now that really we are just alone, inside ourselves. You promised you wouldn't go yet maybe I left first who knows, but your conviction was weak and your bond I guess weaker. Will it be as we imagined or were my dreams not good enough, are his any better? Its been so long since I have heard your voice maybe my fault to but family is growing thin.

You suprised me most of all, with your encouragement and love. It isn't your gender that is the reason but the fact that for the many long years that we have grown We never truly spoke about more than a lesson. I am glad to call you my friend thick and thin.

Why are you so afraid? You try you fail it is a process that is repitious. So now the try is gone and you sit in failure. Look what you have become, soon the outside will be to much to bare. Get out while you can get up while you stand and Fight before you've lost. I love you and a mountain you shall climb, but first the small challenges you shall greet. So many I know you've seen but life isn't over and if you lost everything now would you say you put it all in or hid like a hobbit. Time to get goin, make your move, later may not give you time to choose.

lost not found(rapid thoughts)

I don't know what to do right now I don't know what to think right now. I know its not just about the phone its about a lot of things. I don't think, even when i try I can't even when I want to I can't just hit me it will be better if someone beats the shit out of me. I am sorry so sorry but you don't want to hear that anymore and I understand its okay You have every right to be angry every right to upset but please I am on my knees again pleading please please understand. I know you neeed someone too i know I am a handful and you need someone to rant and rave to aand I understand but there is nothing i can do I will forget the money and look anyway I would rather lose that than lose you. I know a silly phone won't make or break us but my insecurities arise when I am weak and in this moment I am weak I am vulnerable and am doing all i can to make sure that old habits don't return I too am at my wits end I am so frustrated with myself everytime i want to start anew I always disappoint you You are amazing your my world and I want it to stay that way I refuse to give up your mine and it will stay that way because I can feel it in my soul that I am yours and you are mine.
I love you ! no matter what I will always love you

Day of Silence

I hear the sounds of heated discussion and I wonder is it about me. Not to sound self involved but the fights usually are about me. I am simply a cover up of something else gone array.

Today has been odd. I haven't spoken to anyone really well not with my voice anyhow and spent today thinking (dangerous I know). Thinking about what I want out of life and what I need out of life and how to get both to coexist. Talks need to be had and words need to be written, mostly I need to learn to use my words again. There was once a time where I was able to eloquently describe an emotion or was able to precisely convey a thought I had. There is just so much inside me now that I wonder if perhaps I have let it sit far too long for words to suffice. When I start to talk I begin to feel silly, like this is just some prolonged PMS mode that my emotions are in. I am scared and don't know why. Perhaps this is all just the side affects of being beaten in the head by a chair. I was thinking about those mountains I want to climb and that yoga I need to do and today it just felt so I don't know. The passion for me to do these things is still there, that isn't it, its just today. Today is a weird day and I will leave it to that.

*Look Forward*
must talk:
wanted
needed
necessary
use words

where does the good go?

Press play please I couldn't figure out how to put just the song on here sorry (copyrights and such are wholly Tom petty and creators of this song)



where did you go

tom petty on the radio

my eyes swell with tears to remember

where did you go

how come I still don't know

I just can't forget or forgive

where did you go

No matter what you did I want you so

your hands so big and comforting

where did you go

oh so long ago.

love koko

scared

Well I have been writing a lot about how I am at my happiest right now. Of course now the gov't wants to give me a psych evaluation because I put in my disability sheet that I suffer from depression possibly bi-polar disorder and that isn't a lie. I believe those two things are why it was so difficult for me to be successful but I have worked hard and others have worked hard at trying to help me get out of that dark abyss. NOW I am content and I have to somehow convince the gov't psych person that not everything is hunky dory in my head and although I know I am not completely -for the lack of a better word- cured I don't think i fall completely in those two categories anymore. The problem is if he says I don't at all, the other disability I do have the one that affects my income and such may be tossed aside. I am scared, not only because I don't like therapists or psychologists very much but because they will most likely wanna drag out some old wounds that I am worried I am not strong enough to handle. I just wanted to hang out here in this happy space a little while longer.

Its been so long since I have been gone

It has been awhile since I have last blogged but of course there are things I really wanted to blog about such as I really do think I have found the part of me that was missing. I think perhaps I am back to the new and improved old self. I really can't say because well only others will really be able to notice, but I feel like my old self and the hope in humanity that I had lost has come back. Not to mention the creativity, I thought disappeared forever is slowly by surely returning. I am the happiest I have EVER been, I am not talking about oh the happiest I have been in awhile or the happiest I have been since goddess knows when but EVER. It has taken me twenty years and 3 months to get to this place. Also a lot of hard times, hard work, and patient people. It is those people that I want to thank now I won't do that here but have decided to write each a letter because I think it is important for them to know that their patience, hard work and even their anger has paid off even if they didn't know they were trying to help me.

I may be broke in debt and still have a brain that doesn't like to function properly but I see now that none of that matters. I am not saying I won't take care of my financial responsiblities or my health, but am saying I finally understand that it is this moment that matters, it is this moment that could change my life, it is this moment that I don't want to lose by worrying so much about later. That lesson was the hardest but I am oh so glad that I learned it.

*Look Forward*

I want to get back to volunteering, to working towards a better tomorrow. I hope that someday I will again fully believe that I can make a difference in this world and that change is possible. I feel so privaliged because I have experienced love and continue to experience it everyday, I want to share that with others. I will climb the mountains that I said I would and I will accomplish the goals I truly want to accomplish.

A Small Step for Mankind a Giant Step for Me

I have climbed to the top of an unnamed hill behind my college. This hill only took me an hour to climb and considering I am sooooooo out of shape it is probably a walk in the park for those who are fit. The thing is its rather steep not bouldering steep but still I wouldn't want to fall down it. I had a fear of falling, I don't know why and I don't know where it went, but its gone and I am glad. Next feat the M mountain. Hey that one is at least legit, there is a website that has trails mapped and that one is on it so even if it is tiny its another huge step for me.

Born Into Brothels

I just watched this documentary about these children born into brothels. They are amazing children, who have horrendous lives but smile anyways. The life they were born into is the only life they have ever known and for most the only life they will ever know. I watch them and see how mature and smart these children are, and they are just tossed aside like garbage, they are put to work like slaves, and their own families when given an opportunity do not let them out. Yet you can't solely blame them it is the life they themselves were born into and don't know anything else. However I am not even a mother and I can understand and feel from just watching this movie that I want the best for them, it breaks my heart to see that most don't get that chance of an education, that chance to hope for something greater than their surrounding.

I want to help these children, I want to do more than just here and type out my thoughts, because it could have easily been me in that movie. I could have been born into such an environment, no matter what I have gone through, no matter how severe the hardships nothing compares to theirs. Knowing that there are children out their who desperately need help makes me feel somewhat selfish for wanting to bare children; there are already so many. I will never know the children in this documentary and they will never know me but I would hope that anything positive I send out sends the ripple to them, they truly deserve it.

*Look Forward*

I hope to adopt a child, and I really hope that I can make a child who came from poverty and hardship see that they are worth a family who loves them, that they are worth the time and attention. Even though I still plan on baring my own, I know that none of my future children will be taken for granted or favorited. Everyone is worthy of unconditional love.

Photos: Top by Zana "Group Shot"Archival print on Somerset papers, Mid-left by Manik, 10 "Puja"Archival print on Somerset paper, Mid-right by Avijit, 11 "Self Portrait"Archival print on Somerset paper, Bottom by Suchitra, 14 "Girl on a Roof"Archival print on Somerset paper

Website: http://kids-with-cameras.org/home/

Savory Apples

I once wrote a poem about savory apples just outside a window back when I could still write. I described these apples so beautifully that they were edible. The whole idea was that they were untouchable. I chose apples because of their history with whole garden of Eden thing(Although some cultures believe it was pomegranate). These apples of mine represented all my desires at that time, not so long ago. I was 16 and very lonely, I was a lesbian and alone and saw so many people around me find understanding through friendship and community. I hadn't and was dying inside bearing this secret. These apples were just out of reach, I watched them bloom and fall and wished for only a bite. It hurt so much being so alone. It wasn't till I visited SF did I realize fully that I wasn't alone that I could find community. Still I longed for friendship and possibly love. I have since found both and I do not judge eve at all.

The used, my family my life

The Taste Of Ink

Is it worth it can you even hear me

Standing with your spotlight on me

Not enough to feed the hungry

I'm tired and I felt it for awhile now

In this sea of lonely

The taste of ink is getting old

It's four o' clock in the fucking morning

Each day gets more and more like the last day

Still I can see it coming

While I'm standing in the river drowning

This could be my chance to break out

This could be my chance to say goodbye

At last it's finally over

Couldn't take this town much longer

Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be

Now I'm ready to be free

So here I am it's in my hands

And I'll savor every moment of this

So here I am alive at last

And I'll savor every moment of this

And won't you think I'm pretty

When I'm standing top the bright lit city

And I'll take your hand and pick you up

And keep you there so you can see

As long as you're alive and careI promise I will take you there

We'll drink and dance the night away

We'll drink and dance the night away

savor every moment of this

As long as you're alive

Here I amI promise

I will take you there

And won't you think I'm pretty

When I'm standing top the bright lit city

And I'll take your hand and pick you up

And keep you there so you can see

As long as you're alive and careI promise I will take you there

As long as you're alive and careI promise I will take you there

savor every moment of this

This is exactly how I feel at this moment. I was angry just a second ago thinking shit I can't sleep and have to wake up in a few hours and why must I always compete with people I will always lose. Then it hit me this isn't about winning or losing but family. Why do others feel such bonds with their blood families when I don't? but I must if I feel guilt for so many things with mine. I feel guilt for not calling on their birthdays not protecting them not being strong enough to stand up for myself, or call him on his hospital bed.

It is just recently I felt like this could be my chance to break free of all the hateful things I've been told over so many years. I am happy with me and am rejoicing in that realization, so many years of self hatred and loathing and finally it is over. And I will savor every moment, even if it is tainted a little with guilt.

*Look Forward*

I have thought that I have gotten over everything so many times I hope with every fiber of my being that this time it is true. That this time I am truly free and that should it all just be a mirage, the fall won't be as hard as my last. I am worried of becoming depressed. This is my first time in a LONG time not having any feelings of deep wounds bleeding and it is exciting and scary all in the same. Everytime I have the urge to cry or do think about past memories I am unsure how normal people handle these things how normal people just feel sad for a second and not a month. Although I am starting to see that anger and sadness are feelings that don't affect overall happiness and I am glad :D

Things I have always wanted to do:

Not in any order (minus the first six those I really really wanna do)

-Get married and have a family

-Own a home

-Become a chef

-Win a cooking competition

-Climb a mountain

-Rock climb

-Drive

-Learn to play piano

-Be a published writer

-Play ice hockey

-Throw a dinner party

-Make a cake

-Join the peace corps

-Travel the world

-Live in Canada, Big Bear, in a tree, and New York

-Visit France, India, Australia

-Produce an album

-Be the best at something

-Own my own business

-Fix a car

-Build a wooden treehouse

-Get in a fist fight

-Work at disney

-Fluently speak French

-Sign Fluently in ASL

-Go to a lesbian bar

-Successfully Dance in a lindy circle

-Teach something

-Get a tattoo

-Pierce my lip

-Become a wine conniseur

-Become a yoga instructor

-Have a useful garden

-Be comfy in my own body

-Be the best person I possibly can be.

*Look Forward*

Ten years from now I would like to be halfway done with this list.

No More Hiding

here is a short poem( I haven't written a poem in so long so please bare with me)

year 1 Born into strife

year 5 innocence gone

year 6 earthquakes start

the foundation itself is just too shaky

year 8 anger and still I hide in the corner

year 11 hatred and I still feel hated

year 16 appeared a savior

not the right time

year 17 closets empty

disappeared till I saw the demons weren't lost

hearts exchanged

souls rearranged

year 19 the demons whisper

regrets made

lost and left(again)

year 20 found home

broke, uneducated, and happy

the demons no longer appear

love is all I hear

Crappy I know but I thought I should take a look at my life and in a few short lines tell the story so everything would seem simple.

*Look Forward*

10 years from now I want to remember this feeling I have right now, I feel so much love and for once I am not letting it in a little at a time. I have opened the flood gates to let it ALL in, I am good enough.

Bi-polar thoughts

I had an appt. with the disablity office today. It sorta feels like I am giving up, I am not sad, or mad or even numb. I am angry sure, angry that this is all I can do to support myself and yes you know what I will call it what it is, what it truly has become over these many years, my family. The two of us married or not, children or not, house or not we are a family and at one time I wanted to be the breadwinner I wanted to take care of her. The roles have switched though over time and I have accepted that and actually feel better in the role I am now. Yet I still feel the residual guilt of letting her down. I have tried and tried till I simply can not try anymore, but I am trying still with some force that I can't explain driving me. It still sorta feels like I am giving up, giving up my independence finally stating to the world that yes I have epilepsy and yes I have finally accepted that I won't ever be able to do all the things people take for granted daily. Like driving, staying up for 24 hours because your having so much fun, remembering important memories. or having children. It really sucks having to hear about all these wonderful memories that appearantly I have second hand, knowing only what hasn't been fried by a seizure. Knowing that no matter what I do I will never be as smart as I once was, knowing that I may never be pregnant and have a baby. Something I wanted for most of my life. And none of this is my fault, I didn't take drugs, I never popped pills, did coke nothing! At least if it was my fault I would be able to pinpoint exactly why this happened to me, I would be able to say "yes this is my penence for being a bad human." I am no longer depressed I am no longer suicidal or see the cup as half empty, for once I am living in the moment. And yes I am still angry, but what can I do? I am terrified of going somewhere to far without someone I know. If you know me then you would be suprised you would say what happened to that self assured independent woman. Sorry this is supposed to celebrate the fact that I am no longer being visited by death, that I am no longer on some bed crying, because I am really happy, but I guess anger wanted to come out and play. Perhaps I will congratulate myself tomorrow when I have had time to sleep. For now anger is sitting at the surface and thats okay, because tomorrow is another day and true happiness doesn't fade :)

*Look Forward*

Get a new brain.

Reaching my goals, literally

I have been many things in my short life, dancer, baseball player, spelling bee loser, artist(the one that I cherish the most)chef hopeful, theater fanatic, uber dyke, uber wiccan,(those have toned down...some)uber nerd, uber lost, found, pre-k wanna be teacher, chef hopeful, and now a climbing hopeful. I want to climb mt. whitney. It started as a suggestion by my beautiful girlfriend. At first I laughed it off and then I looked it up. I have been captured by the scenery, it is the the highest summit in USA (excluding alaska and hawaii). It is now a goal of mine to make it up there in one day, do all the trails, and do a full moon hike up it, not all once of course. I started my work out today (it will be awhile till I am fit and prepared to do this hike.) walking/running on the treadmill for 45 min. Baby steps is what I believe will give me the fitness level I need to not only climb mt. whitney but others as well. There are so many mountains in my back yard why not get into climbing. California is so rich in everything (except jobs of course), I don't believe I would really want to live anywhere else.

*Look Forward*

I want to climb....

-the M hill (a reachable starting point)

-San Jacinto

-San Gorgonio

-Whitney(both main and mountaineer's route)

-st. helen

-half dome

-bald mountain

-whatever else I can

Now to find a climbing buddy

Broken thoughts that are longer than 140 characters

Today I woke to find myself close to tears and I don't know why. Ya its probably just left over angst from my teenage years, but still I can't seem to shake it.

I had another "oh my god I can't believe it moment!" yesterday I hugged her and just wanted to continue to feel her on me. Still after three years I can't believe I fell in love, moreover I can't believe she fell in love with me. I am currently trying to uncover my former self. Sorta like an archeoligist digging for fossils. Not the bad characteristics but the ones that made her fall in love with me in the first place. I am giving space and trying to get cool calm collect again, instead of zany and crazy although they have their place too. It isn't that I am not good enough the way I am but i should try to keep the person she loves in play not the crazy teenager in love. You know that girl that makes you want to puke because every word out of her mouth is about her beau when she used to have intelligent thoughts and could express them.

I really feel like dancing, I want to go to a club and just go at it, but alas I am not old enough for the good clubs and have no one who wants to go...Poo!

I have been many places in the last four years and still I find I am unhappy anywhere without her.... I have had enough of jetsetting! (morningwood)

AHH i need to cook, it has been a whole week since anything has come out of my kitchen. Well I did make cornbread that she loved but I wanna make a meal, and have her just love it she can't stop eating or kissing me lol

if i lost you i would be living dead... I had a dream that could be subconciously telling me that my demons I have to constantly fight are losing and are no longer a threat to her and I am relieved he is finally gone she helped see that I could win I owe her my life.


where has the kink gone, I am not holding anything back from this blog anymore. Really I wanna know where has that girl gone. I must find her find, I must because she is a part of myself that was okay with accepting pure pleasure without guilt without apology and without regard for tomorrow and only saw herself the way she looks in her head, Sexy, irrisistable and ready to submit.

I like moving my body, i can't sit still and yet all i long for is to be still and at peace.

I used to have a passion for human rights, for social equality and making sure that everyone saw it in their lifetime. It isn't that I don't feel that anymore it's just my hope in people has dwindled over the years I guess.

These are the many sides of me and there are many more but no peeking!

*Look Forward*

Hopefully I will find peace someday, I want to find a coven and finally feel like the god and goddess are truly in me and that I am part of something bigger than myself.

karma

It isn't that I don't deserve this, I do. It is just that it's actually happening. I am not popular, I was never popular, I don't party or parade myself around and I am not a celebrity. So I am truly amazed that everyone is talking about me.
Past mistakes(not a strong enough word) have been leaked outside of who should know and I am angry. So angry that I feel a sense of level headedness, a sense of calm and understanding. Understanding of the situation not the people involved. Let me get that straight, there is no excuse at our age, to act like a bunch of pre-teens, the situation though I understand how to handle. I can see exactly what needs to be done. NOTHING.
The bigger person-I am finding- has nothing to do with forgiving and forgetting, being the bigger person in this case has to do with moving on. Just knowing that as a person I have grown and that I have someone that loves me through the thick and thin is enough. I will ignore the people, the baiting and the drama. They want a show, then they can go to vegas. As far as karma goes, they will get what they send out 3x. I am strong, we are strong, we will move on.


*Look Forward*
I will confront the main perpatrator, but only for the right reasons. Not because I am mad, sad or want revenge. But because he needs to know that he may have lost my friendship, but he can have future relationships as long as he matures and stops hanging out with the sick and twisted. I don't need to put out negativity, I have put out enough to last a lifetime, and it is indeed coming to me x3. I will, in times of rage, just think Karma instead of revenge. They whoever they are now and in the future aren't worth bad karma for me.

de ja vou? or My Haunted House

This house has many ghosts. None of which come out in the daylight, but do any? At night though they all seem to be there, not dead relatives or dead strangers but dead memories. The memories seem to haunt me most here,the dreams filled with distant relatives of a distant time. Not even just once in awhile, but every night. Well almost every night I had a system that seemed to work but the trouble with that is I need cooperation and it isn't really working out. So I toss and turn waking from haunting memories of childhood and some not too distant memories every two hours. Hoping that I won't be alone in here but I am. I am and I am exhausted. Too much warding off demons, and melancholy alone. I am not sad or angry but my subconscious seems to be. Although exhausted, I am ecstatic to be home. I am more happy than I have been in a long while. I am not obsessed as some seem to think, I am merely scared of going through this every night till I move. It isn't the creaks and the strange shadows that make this house scary, but the nightmares that come when I close my eyes.



*Look Forward*
I don't know maybe get some rest, so these bags from under my eyes will disappear.

Way Back Home

I have washed the east coast out of my hair, and am ready to embark on the next step of my journey. There are some regrets but not the ones, one might think. I have learned some valuable lessons and have a new appreciation for home. I have made decisions all on my own and have hurt some people in the process I am sure, but am equally hurt. Going back to the place of my birth I know that this is my home and I will say that it feels so good, to finally feel home. It is a feeling I had lost for sometime. Now I know for definite she has my heart and separation is not possible lest I find myself with a void so large it does engulf the world. Dramatic as it may sound my experience only proved that I am loved and that I never have to look to far to find people who will support me. This is so after school special I know, yet I can't help but feel so wonderfully optimistic. The Beatles were right despite what anyone else says despite my fears about survival, love is truly all one needs. Without it people are just walking ATMs looking for the next deposit.
I found my way back home.




*Look Forward*
I will take care of business but definitely will stop to just appreciate my loved ones. Worrying is just a waste of time and truly being in the moment is my next goal. Hopefully hiking and climbing will help me in that area. That last exit is the last time I run. No more running, no more leaving, unless she is with me and we are eloping :)

memory omission

I lost my bracelet today. Not just any bracelet but the bracelet I received from the love of my life when I went to dland with her. I just can't remember where it went. This is not the first time its happened and this makes me sad. These are things I cherished with my whole heart. I know what your thinking if I loved them so much why/how did I lose them? I just don't know, I know my memory isn't good but its cases like this that truly annoy me. I have gone through 12 phones and 3 wallets and various amounts of keys. I can't stand it! It not only annoys me but it hurts the person I love the most. How do you convince someone that you honestly and truly love each of the gifts that you have been given when you can't fucking remember what happened to them or even what the fuck happened last week. I hate my head I HATE IT!

Again with the food

It may seem I am crazy (in general, not just about food) but I have found out today that if I am crazy for being obsessed with something we as humans once upon a time (like BC) only thought was here to sustain our lives I am not the only one. Although it does sustain us physically, emotionally there is something rewarding about creating something that saves our loved ones lives(well maybe not right away). That they not only feel full but enjoyed every minute of it. That smile on their faces when they have had a bad day, are starving because they worked through lunch and had to wait for the bus, train, subway or traffic and finally take that first bite of a meal that you have prepared, created just for them. I know I sound very Susie homemaker but honestly my girlfriend and cooking are the only reason I get up in the morning.

It is true I have stumbled around many careers in my short life, but I have always been drawn back to food. This time I am sticking with it, it is my goal and it is my art. Writing although I love it, it doesn't love me, well people don't love my writing. So a hobby it shall stay, while I give cooking, a hobby that other people really do enjoy a real go.

I know, I know what does it matter if people like what your doing as long as you love it, it shouldn't matter. Yet in both the fields of writing and cooking, that is the kind of the point, that is the challenge rather. Becoming outstanding at what you love so you can do it till you die. I have simply chosen the one I will not starve to death doing.

*Look Forward*
The task at hand-becoming a chef- seems rather daunting and perhaps I will become overwhelmed and want to quit. In fact I can promise that, but I won't quit, I can't quit I don't know, how I know, but I just do. I am becoming an adult and sticking to my guns and I am sorry but that is just going to have to be good enough.
Because I am good enough.

You say foodie, like its a bad word or Back to the food

Today I became overwhelmed with emotion watching "The Next Food Network Star" I know it sounds stupid and maybe sounds like it's just that time of the month, but believe me it's not. The contestants had to feed a dinner party of culinary greats. Watching this I felt extremely bad for them, there is no way at my skill level would I ever be able to do that, talk about frightening. Then all of a sudden as this woman was explaining why she loved cooking, it hit me like a brick.
I LOVE FOOD!
It goes beyond that though, I love the technique, the style, the feeling you get when your mouth fills with explosive wonderful flavor. There is just so much more there, than I can explain. As I stated before I was gonna become a chef and perhaps it was so very obvious to everyone around exactly to what degree I loved food, for some reason I was not seeing it. Until today of course when I wept while watching this show, a show I have not watched at all till tonight mind you. So it had nothing to do with the people in the competition, only the passion in which they cooked with. I know many people are so sick and tired of me changing career goals but this whole time I have been dishonest with myself. I let something that a parent said to me eight years ago influence what I thought of my cooking. One lousy pan seared string bean dish changed what I thought I could achieve. Silly huh? well I am back to believing that the world is open to me as long as I put forth the effort as long as I will run the race. I guess now its back to the food.

*Look Forward*
Six years ago I gave up on my dreams. My dreams to go to the art institute in Los Angeles, to study at Le Cordon Bleu in France. Now although I won't go across the ocean I will learn the most I can from where ever I may end up. In the next few years to oh the rest of my life I plan on creating my own culinary style, the thing that says to everyone this was created by Anita. I plan to become a very good chef.

epilespy, anger and no regrets

I had a seizure yesterday. Nothing new, nothing extraordinary about it. All my life it has been this way, have a seizure every month sometimes more, recover and get on with my life. When I was younger, it was just a slight annoyance combined with a massive headache. At the beginning of my teens I realized what my epilepsy meant, it meant that I couldn't drive. That however was just the beginning of normal teenage activities that I had to (well was supposed to) miss out on. It was(is) hard watching my peers gain more and more of their independence and this be their peak years when I have to struggle everyday with staying independent and keeping my brain sharp. My current memory is as bad as someone who is in the early first stage of Alzheimer. Needless to say getting a job and keeping has been difficult for me, no one wants to hire someone knowingly more apt to spacing and making mistakes. *In the past I have been fired for simply being unable to drive. That reason however is illegal, and a report was made. That event was to me a loss of independence. I had to move back in with my parents and had to depend on others for food and other necessities. Also at this time a couple of my friends were becoming of age to drink and were going out and drinking which is something I do occasionally indulge in but not to the extent of my peers by any means. I was however a smoker, a very strong trigger for seizures. I've since stopped smoking thanks to my loving and assertive girlfriend.

As a couple me and my girlfriend were coming into our own, making plans for the future and truly taking care of each other when she didn't have the money for a bill or something she needed I would take care of it and vice versa. Nonetheless my independence was gone I felt and was desperate to get it back. That is possibly how I ended up here. After my search for independence yet again I lost it. Exhausted I gave up, I hit rock bottom allowing myself to lose a piece of my soul forever for the sake of sanity. It truly has been in this trip that I have finally realized that I need to get my life in order truly to get what I want out of it. Although anger has been the fuel that fed the fire since I was 15, I realize that I would have to let go of that anger to truly get on with my life. I have now forgiven my mother AND my father. It isn't that I will go to a family Reunion any time soon but the weight that has lifted off is immense and my eyes are finally fixed forward. I can honestly say I only regret two things in the past 4 years, not getting my diploma and another that needs not to be mentioned. Yet I am finally getting off my ass and fixing these things and making sure I never get that low again. If I hadn't had this experience or those regrets I wouldn't be who I am today and for once I feel confident in who I am.

*Look Forward*
I have found some peace on my spiritual path and hopefully in the next ten years I will become apart of a group instead of practicing alone. My plan is to learn to meditate and be on the road to peace, in preparation for getting married and having children. Maybe I will someday see my father I don't know, this is really a hurdle that at the moment I am not strong enough to face. My wedding in itself I know will be a struggle, mostly on my side of things, acceptance is not easily come by. No matter the obstacles though I am very excited that I have a girlfriend(someday wife) that is supportive and will help me through it all, as I will with her.


*The reason I stated this was so in case you are someone who has had the same experience, you would know that being fired for having any disability is wrong and illegal.

Homesick (or) I would walk 2660 miles just to be with you tonight

You know how when you’re a kid and you go off to summer camp and you get sort of homesick? Okay bad analogy because one I was happiest at camp and two I got campsick after a week back at home. Yet when I moved out of my parents’ house, something changed. The only way to explain is to well explain and hope it is understandable. I left this place that I hated this prison I felt myself in and yet at the same time when I came back for a visit, it wasn't the same.

-Now it wasn't just because in the three months I had been gone they turned my room into a workshop and the other room into an office pretty much (even without their knowledge) making it clear that should I want to stay and not return from San Francisco (another topic for another day) I would have to find my own way.

Sorry back to what I was saying, it wasn't the same physically but the atmosphere had changed as well. It was no longer home. Sure it was a house that my parents sort of assured me I was always welcome in, but that home feeling, that go into the fridge whenever, shower at two a.m., cry your heart out as loudly as you possibly can, feeling was gone. I felt so displaced, so lost and I was truly homeless despite the rooms I rented. The only place I feel at home is in an old beat up ford truck with the person I love at the wheel. I am returning to my parents’ house, and know that even then even when I get some semblance of a room it still won't feel like it once did. There are too many ghosts of years past, but it is the responsible thing to do and I would rather live with the haunting past then to hinder the beautiful future I could have with my beautiful girl. So the one place for now I will happily call home is that old truck with my girl at the wheel.

(Is this better? )

*Look Forward*

Someday I will own a home with my girlfriend. Nothing too big, but also not small. She wants a pool, I want a garden and a one story house (moving into a two story is not fun). I want kids she wants dogs, there are things to work through. Yet I know that once we finally have a place of our own in a town of our choice (that of course has a good public transit system) it will be stable. It will be full of love always, because whenever we are tired and feel at odds with each other our pasts will remind us to, never go to bed angry, and always remember those young girls who fell in love with each other in that long ago December. So I guess the house or the location aren't that important,(though a nice house in Pasadena couldn't hurt either eh? :P )but just feeling at home in OUR home will be more than enough.

Becoming centered means becoming broke?

So today I celebrated my birthday. Yes I know that the day off itself should be enough but alas I am one to go out and treat myself. That is the possible reason why I am in my current situation. Anywho I grabbed a nice lunch and such. At the end of my day I went to a meditation that I was invited to via flier. I really didn't expect much to be honest, it was only a flier after all. Well it was amazing to be honest I would have loved to go to the courses they teach, the six 3 hour sessions. The issue it was 175, as in dollars. Um excuse me but if I am looking for something to lower my stress levels do you really think that adding 175 to my expenses will help...NO! Now I understand that they are a non-profit and in all seriousness they were wonderful truly they were, but I will have to settle with trying to center myself on the couch or the occasional yoga class at my local Y.



*Look Forward*
So I would really like to, on top of all my other goals is to become a certified yoga teacher. This though requires me to do yoga everyday live according to the yoga ideals and get to a place where I feel comfortable enough to help others. Doesn't sound hard right? do a couple poses a day whats the big deal. Well the big deal is my determination, it often wavers. Not my interest mind you, so I then get mad at myself for not doing it. Well maybe I will do my asanas tomorrow :P

Mgmt Classes

No not anger management, shift management. So although Starbucks isn't my career call, being in a place to serve is. For some that sounds menial but for me I crave that look on peoples' face when I do my job right. That smile or those "this looks really good" eyes. I guess that's why out of all the career choices I have dipped my toe into being a chef really makes sense. Anyway back to the class. I was given an opportunity to learn and be active in the store in a way that will effect how the store is run. Now I know that some just say why don't you just do your job and be on your way if this isn't your permanent career. Its because even though this position isn't what I want to do forever it will definitely help me as a chef later on. Because if you haven't noticed or don't watch the food network being a chef is a very stressful job. Learning how to deal with stress unhappy customers and working on a line where you must delegate is crucial to running a kitchen. Even though cooking in that kind of stressful condition isn't preferential I believe that the outcome of satisfied customers will outweigh the bad. Basically the better I cook, the happier the customers,the more money I receive. Even though I love food and would do it for free i still need money to live :)



*Look Forward*
I would someday love to own my own restaurant, with an emphasis on good food for kids. I am not talking chuck-e-cheese people. I am talking restaurant with a spin on childrens' favorites. Of course those dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets will be included :P

Limbo Has Begun

Today is my 20th birthday and you can say I am starting it off responsibly I went to work today. Though if it was my choice I would have slept in and ate junk food. My boss scheduled me even though I requested it off, which is a good thing it turns out. I need money. A good way though to get a head start on my journey. I feel so strange, I know its just a number, but I feel slightly pathetic. I am broke and no where near the goals I had set out for myself. I mean I am only just now starting culinary school. I guess different people bloom at different times.

*Look Forward*
5 years ago I thought that by now I would be in my last year of college and on my way to a buying a house and getting married. I thought that I would get pregnant at 23, but that isn't going to happen. I mean I am on my way to getting married, but getting pregnant is not even in the planning process(which is a relief to some lol). 5 years from now I hope to finally be in escrow, and in the process of getting married to my beautiful girlfriend. Also having a nice job and saving for getting pregnant. well I guess we'll see.