karma

It isn't that I don't deserve this, I do. It is just that it's actually happening. I am not popular, I was never popular, I don't party or parade myself around and I am not a celebrity. So I am truly amazed that everyone is talking about me.
Past mistakes(not a strong enough word) have been leaked outside of who should know and I am angry. So angry that I feel a sense of level headedness, a sense of calm and understanding. Understanding of the situation not the people involved. Let me get that straight, there is no excuse at our age, to act like a bunch of pre-teens, the situation though I understand how to handle. I can see exactly what needs to be done. NOTHING.
The bigger person-I am finding- has nothing to do with forgiving and forgetting, being the bigger person in this case has to do with moving on. Just knowing that as a person I have grown and that I have someone that loves me through the thick and thin is enough. I will ignore the people, the baiting and the drama. They want a show, then they can go to vegas. As far as karma goes, they will get what they send out 3x. I am strong, we are strong, we will move on.


*Look Forward*
I will confront the main perpatrator, but only for the right reasons. Not because I am mad, sad or want revenge. But because he needs to know that he may have lost my friendship, but he can have future relationships as long as he matures and stops hanging out with the sick and twisted. I don't need to put out negativity, I have put out enough to last a lifetime, and it is indeed coming to me x3. I will, in times of rage, just think Karma instead of revenge. They whoever they are now and in the future aren't worth bad karma for me.

de ja vou? or My Haunted House

This house has many ghosts. None of which come out in the daylight, but do any? At night though they all seem to be there, not dead relatives or dead strangers but dead memories. The memories seem to haunt me most here,the dreams filled with distant relatives of a distant time. Not even just once in awhile, but every night. Well almost every night I had a system that seemed to work but the trouble with that is I need cooperation and it isn't really working out. So I toss and turn waking from haunting memories of childhood and some not too distant memories every two hours. Hoping that I won't be alone in here but I am. I am and I am exhausted. Too much warding off demons, and melancholy alone. I am not sad or angry but my subconscious seems to be. Although exhausted, I am ecstatic to be home. I am more happy than I have been in a long while. I am not obsessed as some seem to think, I am merely scared of going through this every night till I move. It isn't the creaks and the strange shadows that make this house scary, but the nightmares that come when I close my eyes.



*Look Forward*
I don't know maybe get some rest, so these bags from under my eyes will disappear.

Way Back Home

I have washed the east coast out of my hair, and am ready to embark on the next step of my journey. There are some regrets but not the ones, one might think. I have learned some valuable lessons and have a new appreciation for home. I have made decisions all on my own and have hurt some people in the process I am sure, but am equally hurt. Going back to the place of my birth I know that this is my home and I will say that it feels so good, to finally feel home. It is a feeling I had lost for sometime. Now I know for definite she has my heart and separation is not possible lest I find myself with a void so large it does engulf the world. Dramatic as it may sound my experience only proved that I am loved and that I never have to look to far to find people who will support me. This is so after school special I know, yet I can't help but feel so wonderfully optimistic. The Beatles were right despite what anyone else says despite my fears about survival, love is truly all one needs. Without it people are just walking ATMs looking for the next deposit.
I found my way back home.




*Look Forward*
I will take care of business but definitely will stop to just appreciate my loved ones. Worrying is just a waste of time and truly being in the moment is my next goal. Hopefully hiking and climbing will help me in that area. That last exit is the last time I run. No more running, no more leaving, unless she is with me and we are eloping :)

memory omission

I lost my bracelet today. Not just any bracelet but the bracelet I received from the love of my life when I went to dland with her. I just can't remember where it went. This is not the first time its happened and this makes me sad. These are things I cherished with my whole heart. I know what your thinking if I loved them so much why/how did I lose them? I just don't know, I know my memory isn't good but its cases like this that truly annoy me. I have gone through 12 phones and 3 wallets and various amounts of keys. I can't stand it! It not only annoys me but it hurts the person I love the most. How do you convince someone that you honestly and truly love each of the gifts that you have been given when you can't fucking remember what happened to them or even what the fuck happened last week. I hate my head I HATE IT!

Again with the food

It may seem I am crazy (in general, not just about food) but I have found out today that if I am crazy for being obsessed with something we as humans once upon a time (like BC) only thought was here to sustain our lives I am not the only one. Although it does sustain us physically, emotionally there is something rewarding about creating something that saves our loved ones lives(well maybe not right away). That they not only feel full but enjoyed every minute of it. That smile on their faces when they have had a bad day, are starving because they worked through lunch and had to wait for the bus, train, subway or traffic and finally take that first bite of a meal that you have prepared, created just for them. I know I sound very Susie homemaker but honestly my girlfriend and cooking are the only reason I get up in the morning.

It is true I have stumbled around many careers in my short life, but I have always been drawn back to food. This time I am sticking with it, it is my goal and it is my art. Writing although I love it, it doesn't love me, well people don't love my writing. So a hobby it shall stay, while I give cooking, a hobby that other people really do enjoy a real go.

I know, I know what does it matter if people like what your doing as long as you love it, it shouldn't matter. Yet in both the fields of writing and cooking, that is the kind of the point, that is the challenge rather. Becoming outstanding at what you love so you can do it till you die. I have simply chosen the one I will not starve to death doing.

*Look Forward*
The task at hand-becoming a chef- seems rather daunting and perhaps I will become overwhelmed and want to quit. In fact I can promise that, but I won't quit, I can't quit I don't know, how I know, but I just do. I am becoming an adult and sticking to my guns and I am sorry but that is just going to have to be good enough.
Because I am good enough.

You say foodie, like its a bad word or Back to the food

Today I became overwhelmed with emotion watching "The Next Food Network Star" I know it sounds stupid and maybe sounds like it's just that time of the month, but believe me it's not. The contestants had to feed a dinner party of culinary greats. Watching this I felt extremely bad for them, there is no way at my skill level would I ever be able to do that, talk about frightening. Then all of a sudden as this woman was explaining why she loved cooking, it hit me like a brick.
I LOVE FOOD!
It goes beyond that though, I love the technique, the style, the feeling you get when your mouth fills with explosive wonderful flavor. There is just so much more there, than I can explain. As I stated before I was gonna become a chef and perhaps it was so very obvious to everyone around exactly to what degree I loved food, for some reason I was not seeing it. Until today of course when I wept while watching this show, a show I have not watched at all till tonight mind you. So it had nothing to do with the people in the competition, only the passion in which they cooked with. I know many people are so sick and tired of me changing career goals but this whole time I have been dishonest with myself. I let something that a parent said to me eight years ago influence what I thought of my cooking. One lousy pan seared string bean dish changed what I thought I could achieve. Silly huh? well I am back to believing that the world is open to me as long as I put forth the effort as long as I will run the race. I guess now its back to the food.

*Look Forward*
Six years ago I gave up on my dreams. My dreams to go to the art institute in Los Angeles, to study at Le Cordon Bleu in France. Now although I won't go across the ocean I will learn the most I can from where ever I may end up. In the next few years to oh the rest of my life I plan on creating my own culinary style, the thing that says to everyone this was created by Anita. I plan to become a very good chef.