epilespy, anger and no regrets

I had a seizure yesterday. Nothing new, nothing extraordinary about it. All my life it has been this way, have a seizure every month sometimes more, recover and get on with my life. When I was younger, it was just a slight annoyance combined with a massive headache. At the beginning of my teens I realized what my epilepsy meant, it meant that I couldn't drive. That however was just the beginning of normal teenage activities that I had to (well was supposed to) miss out on. It was(is) hard watching my peers gain more and more of their independence and this be their peak years when I have to struggle everyday with staying independent and keeping my brain sharp. My current memory is as bad as someone who is in the early first stage of Alzheimer. Needless to say getting a job and keeping has been difficult for me, no one wants to hire someone knowingly more apt to spacing and making mistakes. *In the past I have been fired for simply being unable to drive. That reason however is illegal, and a report was made. That event was to me a loss of independence. I had to move back in with my parents and had to depend on others for food and other necessities. Also at this time a couple of my friends were becoming of age to drink and were going out and drinking which is something I do occasionally indulge in but not to the extent of my peers by any means. I was however a smoker, a very strong trigger for seizures. I've since stopped smoking thanks to my loving and assertive girlfriend.

As a couple me and my girlfriend were coming into our own, making plans for the future and truly taking care of each other when she didn't have the money for a bill or something she needed I would take care of it and vice versa. Nonetheless my independence was gone I felt and was desperate to get it back. That is possibly how I ended up here. After my search for independence yet again I lost it. Exhausted I gave up, I hit rock bottom allowing myself to lose a piece of my soul forever for the sake of sanity. It truly has been in this trip that I have finally realized that I need to get my life in order truly to get what I want out of it. Although anger has been the fuel that fed the fire since I was 15, I realize that I would have to let go of that anger to truly get on with my life. I have now forgiven my mother AND my father. It isn't that I will go to a family Reunion any time soon but the weight that has lifted off is immense and my eyes are finally fixed forward. I can honestly say I only regret two things in the past 4 years, not getting my diploma and another that needs not to be mentioned. Yet I am finally getting off my ass and fixing these things and making sure I never get that low again. If I hadn't had this experience or those regrets I wouldn't be who I am today and for once I feel confident in who I am.

*Look Forward*
I have found some peace on my spiritual path and hopefully in the next ten years I will become apart of a group instead of practicing alone. My plan is to learn to meditate and be on the road to peace, in preparation for getting married and having children. Maybe I will someday see my father I don't know, this is really a hurdle that at the moment I am not strong enough to face. My wedding in itself I know will be a struggle, mostly on my side of things, acceptance is not easily come by. No matter the obstacles though I am very excited that I have a girlfriend(someday wife) that is supportive and will help me through it all, as I will with her.


*The reason I stated this was so in case you are someone who has had the same experience, you would know that being fired for having any disability is wrong and illegal.