waking up finally

this week has been somewhat of a blur. Had two seizures on monday felt weird till like right about now. Not oh something is off weird but my heart is pounding because I am terrofied of I don't know what sort of off. Yay though that it is finally passing, it was really scary. studying for this test is starting to get interesting, we're getting to word problems and there are guest appearances :) Math is starting to get really fun, thanks to a certain someone ;) next 3 days off working on studying cooking and peaceful produce.

hidden humility

Today I fully showed a part of myself that I have been extremely ashamed and embarrassed of for a really long time, and I am really grateful for the person I opened this part up to. It may seem silly it may seem like this is no big deal but for me it meant a great deal. It unlocked a part of me that I didn't know was there a part that says its okay you don't always have to be the best just DO your best. I WILL do my best and I WILL pass that test. thank you for the love and the humility :]

Tick tock goes the clock

I know the answers but yet I ask,
words not neccessary
still i say too many
tick tock goes the clock
tick tock goes the clock
sit and fiddle
how to find an answer to this riddle
feeling and logic
everyone else seems to understand
just me
tick tock goes the clock
tick tock goes the clock
dropping the ball
ruining moments
trying too hard
terrorfied of the end of the ride
tick tock goes the clock
tick tock goes the clock
i know the feeling but yet i ask
stomach in knots
so hard in spots
no matter what i do
tick tock goes the clock
tick tock goes the clock
lips touch and i fall into you
the answers to all the questions
the answers to all the riddles
lie within that moment
and for that moment
tick tock does not go the clock
tick tock does not go the clock.

katie ka boom!

thats right its A fucking rant! i had a bad fucking day one complaint after another. SO your gonna call your lawyer well sir you don't even have any fucking money to pay for your goddamn truck how the hell you gonna afford a lawyer you have your family living in a hotel for heavensake! NO YOU FUCKING IDIOT I CAN'T JUST WALK TO PALM SPRINGS IF I AM IN MORENO VALLEY TO GET SOMEONE ON THE PHONE FOR YOU IF THEIR LINES ARE TRANSFERED HERE TO FUCKING BAD!!!!!!!!!!! AND DON'T YOU FUCKING CUSS ME OUT CUZ YOUR RUNNING LATE SO THE HELL WHAT I DON'T GIVE A SHIT DON'T CALL ME A DUMBASS YOUR THE IDIOT WHO THINKS I CAN WALK TO PALM SPRINGS ALL CUZ YOU NEED A FUCKING TRAILER!!!!! NO LADY AT IEHP OFFICE YOUR WEBSITE SAYS YOU WOULD HELP ME WITH MY GODDAMN MEDI-CAL FORM EXCUSE ME IF THATS NOT WHAT YOU DO GET SOMEONE TO DESIGN YOUR FUCKING WEBSITE BETTER FUCK! AND MED-CAL I AM TWENTY YEARS OLD DOES THAT SOUND LIKE CHILD TO YOU DOES THAT SOUND LIKE OH SHE DOESN'T NEED HEALTH INSURANCE SHE IS TOO YOUNG WITH TOO MUCH MONEY REALLY WHERE THE FUCK IS IT TELL ME I WANT TO FUCKING KNOW!! BESIDES WHAT SHOULD IT MATTER HOW OLD I AM I NEED FUCKING HEALTH INSURANCE!!!! AND YOU YES YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE ONE WITH NOT ENOUGH TIME OR LENGTH ON YOUR LEASH TO COME HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIEND THE ONE WHO HAS TRIED TO BE THERE FOR YOU THROUGH ALL YOUR TROUBLES I SAY TRY CUZ YOU WON'T EVEN CALL ME ANYMORE IF SOMETHING DEVASTATING HAPPENS AND IF SOMETHING DEVASTATING HAPPENS TO ME TOO FUCKING BAD EH!!!!!!!!!!! WHATS HIS FACE IS THROWING A BITCH FIT CUZ YOU FUCKING PISSED WITHOUT HIM DAMN IT I FUCKING MISS YOU I REALLY NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO RIGHT NOW AND INSTEAD I AM TALKING TO THE CAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW I HAVE CUZ ITS BEEN THAT LONG SINCE WE TALKED AT ALL. FUCK YOU AND FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The roses are still living...

They are in a vase and live, yet are delicate. They are honestly the longest lasting flowers I have ever recieved and when I think I might explode from fear or doubt or anything else I just look at them and see that they are still living. Much like the beauty and the beast those roses represent life itself to me. I see them and know that there is hope, that no matter the vessal with a little water beauty can come of it.
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As vague as this writing is and most of my writing is I am soliced by the fact that no matter what happens in life no matter the time of day or what year it is or what i have done words will always find their way onto a page expressing my thoughts expressing my feelings and expressing things I cannot find the words for when i speak. Writing allows me that moment, to gather my thoughts to gather what I want to say and it doesn't get jumbled through speech it is a direct line from mind to expression. I love words.

Untitled Draft

The trees made waves amongst themselves and sounded as if they were the ocean. Yet the ocean was but a distant memory a far removed part of scenery for veronica. It had been about seven years since she had even seen a seashell. Mostly it was avoidance, of what was something she didn't want to think of and so didn't. Yet breezy days as today made her remember, her brain didn't ask it just flashed pictures of smiling faces and loving embraces. Veronica stopped watching the trees and began to walk faster atop the uptown cement sidewalk, passing shoppers with bags violently. "EXCUSE ME!" one shouted. She only glanced back grimiced apologetically and continued on her way to work. Veronica finally opened the door to her office and sighed with relief. She knew she would always get here she would always be here on the top floor, in this corner office, with a secretary of her vary own. "ms. morton your 11 o'clock is here" the intercom was so clear it seemed as though marcy her secretary was in the room. This startled veronica and she jumped in her seat, then looked around to see if anyone had noticed. "okay send him in marcy thank you" How could she have forgotton this meeting it was crucial to her commuity outreach department that this meeting go well without this extra 500,000 the company just would not be able to afford its annual community charity ball. It was hard for a company that buys old homes, only to tear them down and turn them into posh condos to get such donations. Veronica sat up gathered herself and stood to welcome this hopeful donor. He was a hefty but handsome man, with a lovely smile.
As the meeting ended and the champagne was brought out to toast the ball that would be taking place Veronica was reminded why exactly she had this corner office. The generous donor left and she was left with mounds of paperwork as usual. It wasn't till after dark did she decide enough for today. After all her cat wouldn't miss her, and dinner was already prepared by J'ai Faim de Toi, her favorite restraunt in the whole city. The servers already knew her order and the chef often gave her more than she ordered simply because she was a favorite and it was so late, that food would have been thrown out. She retrieved her dinner and drove home to her posh condo. Once inside she kicked off her heels and immediatly changed into her sweats. She never like office attire but was a suit in exchange for a mil a year. Veronica sat her dinner on the table along with a plate, fork and steak knife. She had ordered a beautifully medium rare serloin topped with a sweet red wine reduction and carmalized pearl onions. As she ate she thought of all the things she had forgotton to do at the office.
When it happened it happened so fast she was unable to do anything but swallow her food and sit in shock. "bitch if you move, talk or scream I will cut your throat wide open" the masked intruder had her own steak knife to her throat and pressed down roughly. Still in shock fear hadn't set in, the last thoughts of the office finished lingering in her brain like the end of rolling credits. The intruder called another man over and ordered him to tie her hands to the chair. The nylon rubbed up against her skin so quickly she could feel a burn form. She looked down and realized they were her own black nylons she bought last week. Veronica look up at the second man he was husky but that was all she could see his body was covered in black clothing. He seemed unsure of his actions, and was now taping her mouth shut. She pleaded with her eyes to let her go, she would give him everything in the safe just let her go. The knife now drawing blood from pure pressure up against her throat. "listen bitch if we don't find what we're looking for your dead, but hey don't worry even if we do your dead so either way you don't have to worry about therapy bills" the man released the knife from her throat. "So where do you keep that laptop of yours" Still behind her he began tracing the knife up and down her cheek. Veronica began to cry, this is not how she wanted to die, this is not the person she wanted people to remember. The self absorbed work a holic whose only legacy was that she tore down people's memories for money. A person who couldn't even hold onto the most important person in her life because she was too busy to notice anything but herself. The burning sting and sudden darkness brought her back to the current situation. She had never been so severly slapped before. "i said where is the goddamn laptop!" the knife man now in her face looked at her with eyes so green they themselves almost stabbed her. "oh silly me I forgot about the tape on your mouth" he chided. "hey stop eating and go look up stairs dumbfuck!" the husky man looked up from his bite of veronica's dinner and almost looked as if he was going to speak but instead just dropped the fork and ran upstairs. "my my my you are pretty, don't worry we aren't sickos we won't touch you but maybe if your nice we'll let you touch us." her heart began to race and so did her thoughts, 'no not me this doesn't happen to me' "Just kidding, you need to learn to loosen up a bit, you don't want your last moments to be filled with being such a prude do you?" the knife man laughed and sat on a seat at the table as if he were a dinner guest.

Indebted

You sit there and I sit here
All i can do is stare,
stare at what i no longer am privlige to
1:45 I look over to find what the pain is definitaly worth,
growing old with you on this earth
right now it may seem foggy, it may seem ahaze,
but I KNOW we will see better days,
I am not done fighting,
Days, weeks, months years,
no matter how long I must rightfully repay your tears
You will not see me quitting.

This is not the end only the beginning.