THATS IT!

ITS 3AM AND I AM AWAKE BECAUSE I HAVE INSOMNIA DUE TO WELL ME. SO MANY THOUGHTS RUN THROUGH MY HEAD AND I KNOW THE MOMENT I LAY DOWN THATS IT THEY WILL ALL GANG UP ON ME AND SOME EVEN INVADE MY DREAMS. YOU KNOW WHAT THOUGH I AM SICK OF SITTING I AM SICK OF FEELING ASHAMED BECAUSE I AM NOT AS SUCCESSFUL AS I SHOULD BE OR THAT I AM NOT AS FIT AS I WANT AND NEED TO BE THATS IT! FOR TOO LONG I HAVE SAT HERE WITH ALL THESE VOICES TELLING ME I AM NO GOOD I AM JUST A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT AND THAT I AM SOMEONE TO POINT AND LAUGH AT WELL NO MORE! I AM ME! DOES EVERYONE UNDERSTAND I AM WHO I AM AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT YOU CAN FUCK OFF BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE PLEASING EVERYONE ALL THE TIME I CAN'T TAKE THE SMILING AND THE LAUGHING AND THE CONSTANT WISHING THAT I WAS A BETTER FUCKING PERSON CUZ YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN BE NO I WILL BE! SO FUCK YOU TO WHOEVER DOESN'T BELIEVE ME AND FUCK YOU TO WHOEVER DOESN'T LIKE WHAT I AM SAYING. I AM JUST SICK OF WASTING MY TIME DOING NOTHING I WILL GET MY GED I WILL MAKE THIS BUSINESS A SUCCESS, I WILL GET MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN AND LIVE IN A BEAUTIFUL HOME AND I WILL CLIMB A FUCKING MOUNTAIN. WHEN ALL OF THAT IS DONE I WILL GO TO THOSE NAY SAYERS AND SPIT IN THEIR FACES! I AM DONE THATS IT!

Dear Yous

Words to people I know, pick the right one and see what is really inside me.

To whomever this my concern,

Do you think about me as much as I about you, if you saw me would you blame or would you simply nod your head and say see I told ya so.

Are you happy, do my failures take their toll. I try please note. Still I see I notice your distance. Maybe my best is not enough maybe you want to give up but the smile I have seen will make me fight till the grass is again green. More patience is all I can ask, unfairly I know. Water me and watch me grow, this year has bared no fruit yet when your not watching I will sprout to the ceiling. Your efforts will be rewarded.

Where have you gone? perhaps family was too strong a word. I am noticing now that really we are just alone, inside ourselves. You promised you wouldn't go yet maybe I left first who knows, but your conviction was weak and your bond I guess weaker. Will it be as we imagined or were my dreams not good enough, are his any better? Its been so long since I have heard your voice maybe my fault to but family is growing thin.

You suprised me most of all, with your encouragement and love. It isn't your gender that is the reason but the fact that for the many long years that we have grown We never truly spoke about more than a lesson. I am glad to call you my friend thick and thin.

Why are you so afraid? You try you fail it is a process that is repitious. So now the try is gone and you sit in failure. Look what you have become, soon the outside will be to much to bare. Get out while you can get up while you stand and Fight before you've lost. I love you and a mountain you shall climb, but first the small challenges you shall greet. So many I know you've seen but life isn't over and if you lost everything now would you say you put it all in or hid like a hobbit. Time to get goin, make your move, later may not give you time to choose.

lost not found(rapid thoughts)

I don't know what to do right now I don't know what to think right now. I know its not just about the phone its about a lot of things. I don't think, even when i try I can't even when I want to I can't just hit me it will be better if someone beats the shit out of me. I am sorry so sorry but you don't want to hear that anymore and I understand its okay You have every right to be angry every right to upset but please I am on my knees again pleading please please understand. I know you neeed someone too i know I am a handful and you need someone to rant and rave to aand I understand but there is nothing i can do I will forget the money and look anyway I would rather lose that than lose you. I know a silly phone won't make or break us but my insecurities arise when I am weak and in this moment I am weak I am vulnerable and am doing all i can to make sure that old habits don't return I too am at my wits end I am so frustrated with myself everytime i want to start anew I always disappoint you You are amazing your my world and I want it to stay that way I refuse to give up your mine and it will stay that way because I can feel it in my soul that I am yours and you are mine.
I love you ! no matter what I will always love you

Day of Silence

I hear the sounds of heated discussion and I wonder is it about me. Not to sound self involved but the fights usually are about me. I am simply a cover up of something else gone array.

Today has been odd. I haven't spoken to anyone really well not with my voice anyhow and spent today thinking (dangerous I know). Thinking about what I want out of life and what I need out of life and how to get both to coexist. Talks need to be had and words need to be written, mostly I need to learn to use my words again. There was once a time where I was able to eloquently describe an emotion or was able to precisely convey a thought I had. There is just so much inside me now that I wonder if perhaps I have let it sit far too long for words to suffice. When I start to talk I begin to feel silly, like this is just some prolonged PMS mode that my emotions are in. I am scared and don't know why. Perhaps this is all just the side affects of being beaten in the head by a chair. I was thinking about those mountains I want to climb and that yoga I need to do and today it just felt so I don't know. The passion for me to do these things is still there, that isn't it, its just today. Today is a weird day and I will leave it to that.

*Look Forward*
must talk:
wanted
needed
necessary
use words

where does the good go?

Press play please I couldn't figure out how to put just the song on here sorry (copyrights and such are wholly Tom petty and creators of this song)



where did you go

tom petty on the radio

my eyes swell with tears to remember

where did you go

how come I still don't know

I just can't forget or forgive

where did you go

No matter what you did I want you so

your hands so big and comforting

where did you go

oh so long ago.

love koko

scared

Well I have been writing a lot about how I am at my happiest right now. Of course now the gov't wants to give me a psych evaluation because I put in my disability sheet that I suffer from depression possibly bi-polar disorder and that isn't a lie. I believe those two things are why it was so difficult for me to be successful but I have worked hard and others have worked hard at trying to help me get out of that dark abyss. NOW I am content and I have to somehow convince the gov't psych person that not everything is hunky dory in my head and although I know I am not completely -for the lack of a better word- cured I don't think i fall completely in those two categories anymore. The problem is if he says I don't at all, the other disability I do have the one that affects my income and such may be tossed aside. I am scared, not only because I don't like therapists or psychologists very much but because they will most likely wanna drag out some old wounds that I am worried I am not strong enough to handle. I just wanted to hang out here in this happy space a little while longer.

Its been so long since I have been gone

It has been awhile since I have last blogged but of course there are things I really wanted to blog about such as I really do think I have found the part of me that was missing. I think perhaps I am back to the new and improved old self. I really can't say because well only others will really be able to notice, but I feel like my old self and the hope in humanity that I had lost has come back. Not to mention the creativity, I thought disappeared forever is slowly by surely returning. I am the happiest I have EVER been, I am not talking about oh the happiest I have been in awhile or the happiest I have been since goddess knows when but EVER. It has taken me twenty years and 3 months to get to this place. Also a lot of hard times, hard work, and patient people. It is those people that I want to thank now I won't do that here but have decided to write each a letter because I think it is important for them to know that their patience, hard work and even their anger has paid off even if they didn't know they were trying to help me.

I may be broke in debt and still have a brain that doesn't like to function properly but I see now that none of that matters. I am not saying I won't take care of my financial responsiblities or my health, but am saying I finally understand that it is this moment that matters, it is this moment that could change my life, it is this moment that I don't want to lose by worrying so much about later. That lesson was the hardest but I am oh so glad that I learned it.

*Look Forward*

I want to get back to volunteering, to working towards a better tomorrow. I hope that someday I will again fully believe that I can make a difference in this world and that change is possible. I feel so privaliged because I have experienced love and continue to experience it everyday, I want to share that with others. I will climb the mountains that I said I would and I will accomplish the goals I truly want to accomplish.