Untitled Draft

The trees made waves amongst themselves and sounded as if they were the ocean. Yet the ocean was but a distant memory a far removed part of scenery for veronica. It had been about seven years since she had even seen a seashell. Mostly it was avoidance, of what was something she didn't want to think of and so didn't. Yet breezy days as today made her remember, her brain didn't ask it just flashed pictures of smiling faces and loving embraces. Veronica stopped watching the trees and began to walk faster atop the uptown cement sidewalk, passing shoppers with bags violently. "EXCUSE ME!" one shouted. She only glanced back grimiced apologetically and continued on her way to work. Veronica finally opened the door to her office and sighed with relief. She knew she would always get here she would always be here on the top floor, in this corner office, with a secretary of her vary own. "ms. morton your 11 o'clock is here" the intercom was so clear it seemed as though marcy her secretary was in the room. This startled veronica and she jumped in her seat, then looked around to see if anyone had noticed. "okay send him in marcy thank you" How could she have forgotton this meeting it was crucial to her commuity outreach department that this meeting go well without this extra 500,000 the company just would not be able to afford its annual community charity ball. It was hard for a company that buys old homes, only to tear them down and turn them into posh condos to get such donations. Veronica sat up gathered herself and stood to welcome this hopeful donor. He was a hefty but handsome man, with a lovely smile.
As the meeting ended and the champagne was brought out to toast the ball that would be taking place Veronica was reminded why exactly she had this corner office. The generous donor left and she was left with mounds of paperwork as usual. It wasn't till after dark did she decide enough for today. After all her cat wouldn't miss her, and dinner was already prepared by J'ai Faim de Toi, her favorite restraunt in the whole city. The servers already knew her order and the chef often gave her more than she ordered simply because she was a favorite and it was so late, that food would have been thrown out. She retrieved her dinner and drove home to her posh condo. Once inside she kicked off her heels and immediatly changed into her sweats. She never like office attire but was a suit in exchange for a mil a year. Veronica sat her dinner on the table along with a plate, fork and steak knife. She had ordered a beautifully medium rare serloin topped with a sweet red wine reduction and carmalized pearl onions. As she ate she thought of all the things she had forgotton to do at the office.
When it happened it happened so fast she was unable to do anything but swallow her food and sit in shock. "bitch if you move, talk or scream I will cut your throat wide open" the masked intruder had her own steak knife to her throat and pressed down roughly. Still in shock fear hadn't set in, the last thoughts of the office finished lingering in her brain like the end of rolling credits. The intruder called another man over and ordered him to tie her hands to the chair. The nylon rubbed up against her skin so quickly she could feel a burn form. She looked down and realized they were her own black nylons she bought last week. Veronica look up at the second man he was husky but that was all she could see his body was covered in black clothing. He seemed unsure of his actions, and was now taping her mouth shut. She pleaded with her eyes to let her go, she would give him everything in the safe just let her go. The knife now drawing blood from pure pressure up against her throat. "listen bitch if we don't find what we're looking for your dead, but hey don't worry even if we do your dead so either way you don't have to worry about therapy bills" the man released the knife from her throat. "So where do you keep that laptop of yours" Still behind her he began tracing the knife up and down her cheek. Veronica began to cry, this is not how she wanted to die, this is not the person she wanted people to remember. The self absorbed work a holic whose only legacy was that she tore down people's memories for money. A person who couldn't even hold onto the most important person in her life because she was too busy to notice anything but herself. The burning sting and sudden darkness brought her back to the current situation. She had never been so severly slapped before. "i said where is the goddamn laptop!" the knife man now in her face looked at her with eyes so green they themselves almost stabbed her. "oh silly me I forgot about the tape on your mouth" he chided. "hey stop eating and go look up stairs dumbfuck!" the husky man looked up from his bite of veronica's dinner and almost looked as if he was going to speak but instead just dropped the fork and ran upstairs. "my my my you are pretty, don't worry we aren't sickos we won't touch you but maybe if your nice we'll let you touch us." her heart began to race and so did her thoughts, 'no not me this doesn't happen to me' "Just kidding, you need to learn to loosen up a bit, you don't want your last moments to be filled with being such a prude do you?" the knife man laughed and sat on a seat at the table as if he were a dinner guest.

Indebted

You sit there and I sit here
All i can do is stare,
stare at what i no longer am privlige to
1:45 I look over to find what the pain is definitaly worth,
growing old with you on this earth
right now it may seem foggy, it may seem ahaze,
but I KNOW we will see better days,
I am not done fighting,
Days, weeks, months years,
no matter how long I must rightfully repay your tears
You will not see me quitting.

This is not the end only the beginning.

Happy Imbolc!/ Changing the world.

Today is Imbolc or as many know it candlemas. This is a time of Purity, Growth and Re-Newal, The Re-Union of the Goddess and the God, Fertility, and dispensing of the old and making way for the new. So the timing seems right that I should renew my drive to make a difference in this world. The longing has always been there, but I need to know what happened that took the drive,that took that belief that "yes I can change the world", that took my identity. I will continue to look inside myself and find out why I so ubruptly stopped fighting for change. Yet I will too not dwell within myself blindness to the world and to others never changed a thing. I just don't want to make the same mistake this bishop made.
The following is inscribed on the tomb of an Anglican Bishop in Westminster Abby (1100 A.D.) …

"When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country.

But it, too, seemed immovable.

As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.

And now, as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family.

From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country, and who knows, I may have even changed the world."

Again happy Imbolc now spring is coming near and it is time to throw out past negativities and grow into something better something more pure. I wish everyone good fortune in their own journeys and may you strive to always be better.

Eyes Wide Shut

Funny i should mention rehab because there is a problem(not that i didn't know before).
codependency is me,
step one admitting the problem
that is the only step i know but that doesn't mean my road to recovery is any less traveled
this time without reaching out without self medicating without taking a short cut
this time reaching in to find what must be done which parts that must be watered
must make it work must make it grow
if i don't i would have crushed an entire human soul
which is worse than killing worse than murder.

those eyes i see everywhere
look inside them and I want to know but am afraid to ask
will it seem fake will it seem as if i am just appeasing
But i severely want to know what is the feeling
what is it the thinking when no one is around or looking.

the roses they live to remind
of the consequence of living out of touch
living with eyes wide shut.

They should have rehab for people like me.

I have broken a good person and have made, are making them doubt. I am a selfish asshole, and so many people have told me growing up "wow you remind me so much of your father" its only now that I see the striking resemblence. There are no words to remedy this situation there are no quick fixes my penence is a lifetime. I can only use my actions from this point on because I know my words have no value. This time if my life is wrecked it is because of me, and my actions not because of anyone else's failures only my own. I am terrified of failing, of succeeding, that I realized everything too late, that i cried wolf too many times, of everything but what is to fear if my chips are already all in. I have broken THE most amazing person i have ever met but I will spend eternity building what was had back up, because this was my failure this was my fault no one elses, no more bullshit excuses, no more lying to myself time to get my shit together and gain some humility compassion and overall decency again. Time to be true and be the person i once knew. I hope with every last drop in me that it isn't too late.

Its all about choices

Tonight for some weird reason I felt compelled to look up old classmates and old best friends. I think perhaps its because I am again for the upteenth time at this point where I can choose to change my life for the better or for the harder. This time though I feel that this is it, my last chance to grow up. Back to the subject at hand. I found those old classemates, more importantly my old best friends, which is sorta strange to see because out of them all I am the only one gone. They are off at college (together) and one is married and pregnant. Its really strange to think that one slight difference and my whole life would be different right now. Never introducing my mother to net dating, would have altered my course. Yet I am ecstatic that I did introduce my mom to the internet. Even through all this weirdness and yes a little sadness(only for not keeping in touch, not for leaving) I know that this is where i am supposed to be in life, so I may not be successful at the moment or be the prettiest. I have one thing that might sound corny but most sadly don't have it, thats love. I truly believe that love has saved my soul, and my life. I have reason to grow up, I have reason to go to work, to finish school, to make something of myself, not for money or fame or eternal glory but to make myself and the person I love more than the world proud of me. The only piece of advice that I will ever take from my father is not to do anything in spite. These are his only words I believe because he lived his whole life in it, his goals achieved because of it, he raised me in it, and his work addiction was thanks to it, everything was done out of spite. He has loads of cash, sure but cash is cold. I must remember though that success is good, its the ego thats bad. Out of all of my friends I turned out to be the stastic, but from better more peaceful life choices I will rise from these ashes of spite and spring forth the strong successful driven woman i have always envisioned myself!

Starting so many things...

Tomorrow I will begin writing a page a day of fiction and posting it here,also this week I began eating differently which I hope will lead to me becoming healthier physically, I am also gonna work on spiritually. Later this week I intend on sitting down to meditate and do a ritual maybe even some yoga (gasp!) I am trying it is hard but I am very proud of myself tonight I was starving and I didn't run to the fridge instead I thought about it and it was purely psychological. Also i am working very hard on staying positive which I think I have done a superb job with (see). Cheers to new beginnings!

..............................3 lb lost. 39 lb to go......................Goal

A journey begun

but halfway through

so many years i have tried

yet now it seems is the time

now is my moment

onward i look

pain i will take

for in the end i understand

the happiness will be,

greater than,

when the journey began