epilespy, anger and no regrets

I had a seizure yesterday. Nothing new, nothing extraordinary about it. All my life it has been this way, have a seizure every month sometimes more, recover and get on with my life. When I was younger, it was just a slight annoyance combined with a massive headache. At the beginning of my teens I realized what my epilepsy meant, it meant that I couldn't drive. That however was just the beginning of normal teenage activities that I had to (well was supposed to) miss out on. It was(is) hard watching my peers gain more and more of their independence and this be their peak years when I have to struggle everyday with staying independent and keeping my brain sharp. My current memory is as bad as someone who is in the early first stage of Alzheimer. Needless to say getting a job and keeping has been difficult for me, no one wants to hire someone knowingly more apt to spacing and making mistakes. *In the past I have been fired for simply being unable to drive. That reason however is illegal, and a report was made. That event was to me a loss of independence. I had to move back in with my parents and had to depend on others for food and other necessities. Also at this time a couple of my friends were becoming of age to drink and were going out and drinking which is something I do occasionally indulge in but not to the extent of my peers by any means. I was however a smoker, a very strong trigger for seizures. I've since stopped smoking thanks to my loving and assertive girlfriend.

As a couple me and my girlfriend were coming into our own, making plans for the future and truly taking care of each other when she didn't have the money for a bill or something she needed I would take care of it and vice versa. Nonetheless my independence was gone I felt and was desperate to get it back. That is possibly how I ended up here. After my search for independence yet again I lost it. Exhausted I gave up, I hit rock bottom allowing myself to lose a piece of my soul forever for the sake of sanity. It truly has been in this trip that I have finally realized that I need to get my life in order truly to get what I want out of it. Although anger has been the fuel that fed the fire since I was 15, I realize that I would have to let go of that anger to truly get on with my life. I have now forgiven my mother AND my father. It isn't that I will go to a family Reunion any time soon but the weight that has lifted off is immense and my eyes are finally fixed forward. I can honestly say I only regret two things in the past 4 years, not getting my diploma and another that needs not to be mentioned. Yet I am finally getting off my ass and fixing these things and making sure I never get that low again. If I hadn't had this experience or those regrets I wouldn't be who I am today and for once I feel confident in who I am.

*Look Forward*
I have found some peace on my spiritual path and hopefully in the next ten years I will become apart of a group instead of practicing alone. My plan is to learn to meditate and be on the road to peace, in preparation for getting married and having children. Maybe I will someday see my father I don't know, this is really a hurdle that at the moment I am not strong enough to face. My wedding in itself I know will be a struggle, mostly on my side of things, acceptance is not easily come by. No matter the obstacles though I am very excited that I have a girlfriend(someday wife) that is supportive and will help me through it all, as I will with her.


*The reason I stated this was so in case you are someone who has had the same experience, you would know that being fired for having any disability is wrong and illegal.

Homesick (or) I would walk 2660 miles just to be with you tonight

You know how when you’re a kid and you go off to summer camp and you get sort of homesick? Okay bad analogy because one I was happiest at camp and two I got campsick after a week back at home. Yet when I moved out of my parents’ house, something changed. The only way to explain is to well explain and hope it is understandable. I left this place that I hated this prison I felt myself in and yet at the same time when I came back for a visit, it wasn't the same.

-Now it wasn't just because in the three months I had been gone they turned my room into a workshop and the other room into an office pretty much (even without their knowledge) making it clear that should I want to stay and not return from San Francisco (another topic for another day) I would have to find my own way.

Sorry back to what I was saying, it wasn't the same physically but the atmosphere had changed as well. It was no longer home. Sure it was a house that my parents sort of assured me I was always welcome in, but that home feeling, that go into the fridge whenever, shower at two a.m., cry your heart out as loudly as you possibly can, feeling was gone. I felt so displaced, so lost and I was truly homeless despite the rooms I rented. The only place I feel at home is in an old beat up ford truck with the person I love at the wheel. I am returning to my parents’ house, and know that even then even when I get some semblance of a room it still won't feel like it once did. There are too many ghosts of years past, but it is the responsible thing to do and I would rather live with the haunting past then to hinder the beautiful future I could have with my beautiful girl. So the one place for now I will happily call home is that old truck with my girl at the wheel.

(Is this better? )

*Look Forward*

Someday I will own a home with my girlfriend. Nothing too big, but also not small. She wants a pool, I want a garden and a one story house (moving into a two story is not fun). I want kids she wants dogs, there are things to work through. Yet I know that once we finally have a place of our own in a town of our choice (that of course has a good public transit system) it will be stable. It will be full of love always, because whenever we are tired and feel at odds with each other our pasts will remind us to, never go to bed angry, and always remember those young girls who fell in love with each other in that long ago December. So I guess the house or the location aren't that important,(though a nice house in Pasadena couldn't hurt either eh? :P )but just feeling at home in OUR home will be more than enough.

Becoming centered means becoming broke?

So today I celebrated my birthday. Yes I know that the day off itself should be enough but alas I am one to go out and treat myself. That is the possible reason why I am in my current situation. Anywho I grabbed a nice lunch and such. At the end of my day I went to a meditation that I was invited to via flier. I really didn't expect much to be honest, it was only a flier after all. Well it was amazing to be honest I would have loved to go to the courses they teach, the six 3 hour sessions. The issue it was 175, as in dollars. Um excuse me but if I am looking for something to lower my stress levels do you really think that adding 175 to my expenses will help...NO! Now I understand that they are a non-profit and in all seriousness they were wonderful truly they were, but I will have to settle with trying to center myself on the couch or the occasional yoga class at my local Y.



*Look Forward*
So I would really like to, on top of all my other goals is to become a certified yoga teacher. This though requires me to do yoga everyday live according to the yoga ideals and get to a place where I feel comfortable enough to help others. Doesn't sound hard right? do a couple poses a day whats the big deal. Well the big deal is my determination, it often wavers. Not my interest mind you, so I then get mad at myself for not doing it. Well maybe I will do my asanas tomorrow :P

Mgmt Classes

No not anger management, shift management. So although Starbucks isn't my career call, being in a place to serve is. For some that sounds menial but for me I crave that look on peoples' face when I do my job right. That smile or those "this looks really good" eyes. I guess that's why out of all the career choices I have dipped my toe into being a chef really makes sense. Anyway back to the class. I was given an opportunity to learn and be active in the store in a way that will effect how the store is run. Now I know that some just say why don't you just do your job and be on your way if this isn't your permanent career. Its because even though this position isn't what I want to do forever it will definitely help me as a chef later on. Because if you haven't noticed or don't watch the food network being a chef is a very stressful job. Learning how to deal with stress unhappy customers and working on a line where you must delegate is crucial to running a kitchen. Even though cooking in that kind of stressful condition isn't preferential I believe that the outcome of satisfied customers will outweigh the bad. Basically the better I cook, the happier the customers,the more money I receive. Even though I love food and would do it for free i still need money to live :)



*Look Forward*
I would someday love to own my own restaurant, with an emphasis on good food for kids. I am not talking chuck-e-cheese people. I am talking restaurant with a spin on childrens' favorites. Of course those dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets will be included :P

Limbo Has Begun

Today is my 20th birthday and you can say I am starting it off responsibly I went to work today. Though if it was my choice I would have slept in and ate junk food. My boss scheduled me even though I requested it off, which is a good thing it turns out. I need money. A good way though to get a head start on my journey. I feel so strange, I know its just a number, but I feel slightly pathetic. I am broke and no where near the goals I had set out for myself. I mean I am only just now starting culinary school. I guess different people bloom at different times.

*Look Forward*
5 years ago I thought that by now I would be in my last year of college and on my way to a buying a house and getting married. I thought that I would get pregnant at 23, but that isn't going to happen. I mean I am on my way to getting married, but getting pregnant is not even in the planning process(which is a relief to some lol). 5 years from now I hope to finally be in escrow, and in the process of getting married to my beautiful girlfriend. Also having a nice job and saving for getting pregnant. well I guess we'll see.