where does the good go?

Press play please I couldn't figure out how to put just the song on here sorry (copyrights and such are wholly Tom petty and creators of this song)



where did you go

tom petty on the radio

my eyes swell with tears to remember

where did you go

how come I still don't know

I just can't forget or forgive

where did you go

No matter what you did I want you so

your hands so big and comforting

where did you go

oh so long ago.

love koko

scared

Well I have been writing a lot about how I am at my happiest right now. Of course now the gov't wants to give me a psych evaluation because I put in my disability sheet that I suffer from depression possibly bi-polar disorder and that isn't a lie. I believe those two things are why it was so difficult for me to be successful but I have worked hard and others have worked hard at trying to help me get out of that dark abyss. NOW I am content and I have to somehow convince the gov't psych person that not everything is hunky dory in my head and although I know I am not completely -for the lack of a better word- cured I don't think i fall completely in those two categories anymore. The problem is if he says I don't at all, the other disability I do have the one that affects my income and such may be tossed aside. I am scared, not only because I don't like therapists or psychologists very much but because they will most likely wanna drag out some old wounds that I am worried I am not strong enough to handle. I just wanted to hang out here in this happy space a little while longer.

Its been so long since I have been gone

It has been awhile since I have last blogged but of course there are things I really wanted to blog about such as I really do think I have found the part of me that was missing. I think perhaps I am back to the new and improved old self. I really can't say because well only others will really be able to notice, but I feel like my old self and the hope in humanity that I had lost has come back. Not to mention the creativity, I thought disappeared forever is slowly by surely returning. I am the happiest I have EVER been, I am not talking about oh the happiest I have been in awhile or the happiest I have been since goddess knows when but EVER. It has taken me twenty years and 3 months to get to this place. Also a lot of hard times, hard work, and patient people. It is those people that I want to thank now I won't do that here but have decided to write each a letter because I think it is important for them to know that their patience, hard work and even their anger has paid off even if they didn't know they were trying to help me.

I may be broke in debt and still have a brain that doesn't like to function properly but I see now that none of that matters. I am not saying I won't take care of my financial responsiblities or my health, but am saying I finally understand that it is this moment that matters, it is this moment that could change my life, it is this moment that I don't want to lose by worrying so much about later. That lesson was the hardest but I am oh so glad that I learned it.

*Look Forward*

I want to get back to volunteering, to working towards a better tomorrow. I hope that someday I will again fully believe that I can make a difference in this world and that change is possible. I feel so privaliged because I have experienced love and continue to experience it everyday, I want to share that with others. I will climb the mountains that I said I would and I will accomplish the goals I truly want to accomplish.

A Small Step for Mankind a Giant Step for Me

I have climbed to the top of an unnamed hill behind my college. This hill only took me an hour to climb and considering I am sooooooo out of shape it is probably a walk in the park for those who are fit. The thing is its rather steep not bouldering steep but still I wouldn't want to fall down it. I had a fear of falling, I don't know why and I don't know where it went, but its gone and I am glad. Next feat the M mountain. Hey that one is at least legit, there is a website that has trails mapped and that one is on it so even if it is tiny its another huge step for me.

Born Into Brothels

I just watched this documentary about these children born into brothels. They are amazing children, who have horrendous lives but smile anyways. The life they were born into is the only life they have ever known and for most the only life they will ever know. I watch them and see how mature and smart these children are, and they are just tossed aside like garbage, they are put to work like slaves, and their own families when given an opportunity do not let them out. Yet you can't solely blame them it is the life they themselves were born into and don't know anything else. However I am not even a mother and I can understand and feel from just watching this movie that I want the best for them, it breaks my heart to see that most don't get that chance of an education, that chance to hope for something greater than their surrounding.

I want to help these children, I want to do more than just here and type out my thoughts, because it could have easily been me in that movie. I could have been born into such an environment, no matter what I have gone through, no matter how severe the hardships nothing compares to theirs. Knowing that there are children out their who desperately need help makes me feel somewhat selfish for wanting to bare children; there are already so many. I will never know the children in this documentary and they will never know me but I would hope that anything positive I send out sends the ripple to them, they truly deserve it.

*Look Forward*

I hope to adopt a child, and I really hope that I can make a child who came from poverty and hardship see that they are worth a family who loves them, that they are worth the time and attention. Even though I still plan on baring my own, I know that none of my future children will be taken for granted or favorited. Everyone is worthy of unconditional love.

Photos: Top by Zana "Group Shot"Archival print on Somerset papers, Mid-left by Manik, 10 "Puja"Archival print on Somerset paper, Mid-right by Avijit, 11 "Self Portrait"Archival print on Somerset paper, Bottom by Suchitra, 14 "Girl on a Roof"Archival print on Somerset paper

Website: http://kids-with-cameras.org/home/

Savory Apples

I once wrote a poem about savory apples just outside a window back when I could still write. I described these apples so beautifully that they were edible. The whole idea was that they were untouchable. I chose apples because of their history with whole garden of Eden thing(Although some cultures believe it was pomegranate). These apples of mine represented all my desires at that time, not so long ago. I was 16 and very lonely, I was a lesbian and alone and saw so many people around me find understanding through friendship and community. I hadn't and was dying inside bearing this secret. These apples were just out of reach, I watched them bloom and fall and wished for only a bite. It hurt so much being so alone. It wasn't till I visited SF did I realize fully that I wasn't alone that I could find community. Still I longed for friendship and possibly love. I have since found both and I do not judge eve at all.

The used, my family my life

The Taste Of Ink

Is it worth it can you even hear me

Standing with your spotlight on me

Not enough to feed the hungry

I'm tired and I felt it for awhile now

In this sea of lonely

The taste of ink is getting old

It's four o' clock in the fucking morning

Each day gets more and more like the last day

Still I can see it coming

While I'm standing in the river drowning

This could be my chance to break out

This could be my chance to say goodbye

At last it's finally over

Couldn't take this town much longer

Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be

Now I'm ready to be free

So here I am it's in my hands

And I'll savor every moment of this

So here I am alive at last

And I'll savor every moment of this

And won't you think I'm pretty

When I'm standing top the bright lit city

And I'll take your hand and pick you up

And keep you there so you can see

As long as you're alive and careI promise I will take you there

We'll drink and dance the night away

We'll drink and dance the night away

savor every moment of this

As long as you're alive

Here I amI promise

I will take you there

And won't you think I'm pretty

When I'm standing top the bright lit city

And I'll take your hand and pick you up

And keep you there so you can see

As long as you're alive and careI promise I will take you there

As long as you're alive and careI promise I will take you there

savor every moment of this

This is exactly how I feel at this moment. I was angry just a second ago thinking shit I can't sleep and have to wake up in a few hours and why must I always compete with people I will always lose. Then it hit me this isn't about winning or losing but family. Why do others feel such bonds with their blood families when I don't? but I must if I feel guilt for so many things with mine. I feel guilt for not calling on their birthdays not protecting them not being strong enough to stand up for myself, or call him on his hospital bed.

It is just recently I felt like this could be my chance to break free of all the hateful things I've been told over so many years. I am happy with me and am rejoicing in that realization, so many years of self hatred and loathing and finally it is over. And I will savor every moment, even if it is tainted a little with guilt.

*Look Forward*

I have thought that I have gotten over everything so many times I hope with every fiber of my being that this time it is true. That this time I am truly free and that should it all just be a mirage, the fall won't be as hard as my last. I am worried of becoming depressed. This is my first time in a LONG time not having any feelings of deep wounds bleeding and it is exciting and scary all in the same. Everytime I have the urge to cry or do think about past memories I am unsure how normal people handle these things how normal people just feel sad for a second and not a month. Although I am starting to see that anger and sadness are feelings that don't affect overall happiness and I am glad :D