lost not found(rapid thoughts)

I don't know what to do right now I don't know what to think right now. I know its not just about the phone its about a lot of things. I don't think, even when i try I can't even when I want to I can't just hit me it will be better if someone beats the shit out of me. I am sorry so sorry but you don't want to hear that anymore and I understand its okay You have every right to be angry every right to upset but please I am on my knees again pleading please please understand. I know you neeed someone too i know I am a handful and you need someone to rant and rave to aand I understand but there is nothing i can do I will forget the money and look anyway I would rather lose that than lose you. I know a silly phone won't make or break us but my insecurities arise when I am weak and in this moment I am weak I am vulnerable and am doing all i can to make sure that old habits don't return I too am at my wits end I am so frustrated with myself everytime i want to start anew I always disappoint you You are amazing your my world and I want it to stay that way I refuse to give up your mine and it will stay that way because I can feel it in my soul that I am yours and you are mine.
I love you ! no matter what I will always love you

Day of Silence

I hear the sounds of heated discussion and I wonder is it about me. Not to sound self involved but the fights usually are about me. I am simply a cover up of something else gone array.

Today has been odd. I haven't spoken to anyone really well not with my voice anyhow and spent today thinking (dangerous I know). Thinking about what I want out of life and what I need out of life and how to get both to coexist. Talks need to be had and words need to be written, mostly I need to learn to use my words again. There was once a time where I was able to eloquently describe an emotion or was able to precisely convey a thought I had. There is just so much inside me now that I wonder if perhaps I have let it sit far too long for words to suffice. When I start to talk I begin to feel silly, like this is just some prolonged PMS mode that my emotions are in. I am scared and don't know why. Perhaps this is all just the side affects of being beaten in the head by a chair. I was thinking about those mountains I want to climb and that yoga I need to do and today it just felt so I don't know. The passion for me to do these things is still there, that isn't it, its just today. Today is a weird day and I will leave it to that.

*Look Forward*
must talk:
wanted
needed
necessary
use words

where does the good go?

Press play please I couldn't figure out how to put just the song on here sorry (copyrights and such are wholly Tom petty and creators of this song)



where did you go

tom petty on the radio

my eyes swell with tears to remember

where did you go

how come I still don't know

I just can't forget or forgive

where did you go

No matter what you did I want you so

your hands so big and comforting

where did you go

oh so long ago.

love koko

scared

Well I have been writing a lot about how I am at my happiest right now. Of course now the gov't wants to give me a psych evaluation because I put in my disability sheet that I suffer from depression possibly bi-polar disorder and that isn't a lie. I believe those two things are why it was so difficult for me to be successful but I have worked hard and others have worked hard at trying to help me get out of that dark abyss. NOW I am content and I have to somehow convince the gov't psych person that not everything is hunky dory in my head and although I know I am not completely -for the lack of a better word- cured I don't think i fall completely in those two categories anymore. The problem is if he says I don't at all, the other disability I do have the one that affects my income and such may be tossed aside. I am scared, not only because I don't like therapists or psychologists very much but because they will most likely wanna drag out some old wounds that I am worried I am not strong enough to handle. I just wanted to hang out here in this happy space a little while longer.

Its been so long since I have been gone

It has been awhile since I have last blogged but of course there are things I really wanted to blog about such as I really do think I have found the part of me that was missing. I think perhaps I am back to the new and improved old self. I really can't say because well only others will really be able to notice, but I feel like my old self and the hope in humanity that I had lost has come back. Not to mention the creativity, I thought disappeared forever is slowly by surely returning. I am the happiest I have EVER been, I am not talking about oh the happiest I have been in awhile or the happiest I have been since goddess knows when but EVER. It has taken me twenty years and 3 months to get to this place. Also a lot of hard times, hard work, and patient people. It is those people that I want to thank now I won't do that here but have decided to write each a letter because I think it is important for them to know that their patience, hard work and even their anger has paid off even if they didn't know they were trying to help me.

I may be broke in debt and still have a brain that doesn't like to function properly but I see now that none of that matters. I am not saying I won't take care of my financial responsiblities or my health, but am saying I finally understand that it is this moment that matters, it is this moment that could change my life, it is this moment that I don't want to lose by worrying so much about later. That lesson was the hardest but I am oh so glad that I learned it.

*Look Forward*

I want to get back to volunteering, to working towards a better tomorrow. I hope that someday I will again fully believe that I can make a difference in this world and that change is possible. I feel so privaliged because I have experienced love and continue to experience it everyday, I want to share that with others. I will climb the mountains that I said I would and I will accomplish the goals I truly want to accomplish.

A Small Step for Mankind a Giant Step for Me

I have climbed to the top of an unnamed hill behind my college. This hill only took me an hour to climb and considering I am sooooooo out of shape it is probably a walk in the park for those who are fit. The thing is its rather steep not bouldering steep but still I wouldn't want to fall down it. I had a fear of falling, I don't know why and I don't know where it went, but its gone and I am glad. Next feat the M mountain. Hey that one is at least legit, there is a website that has trails mapped and that one is on it so even if it is tiny its another huge step for me.

Born Into Brothels

I just watched this documentary about these children born into brothels. They are amazing children, who have horrendous lives but smile anyways. The life they were born into is the only life they have ever known and for most the only life they will ever know. I watch them and see how mature and smart these children are, and they are just tossed aside like garbage, they are put to work like slaves, and their own families when given an opportunity do not let them out. Yet you can't solely blame them it is the life they themselves were born into and don't know anything else. However I am not even a mother and I can understand and feel from just watching this movie that I want the best for them, it breaks my heart to see that most don't get that chance of an education, that chance to hope for something greater than their surrounding.

I want to help these children, I want to do more than just here and type out my thoughts, because it could have easily been me in that movie. I could have been born into such an environment, no matter what I have gone through, no matter how severe the hardships nothing compares to theirs. Knowing that there are children out their who desperately need help makes me feel somewhat selfish for wanting to bare children; there are already so many. I will never know the children in this documentary and they will never know me but I would hope that anything positive I send out sends the ripple to them, they truly deserve it.

*Look Forward*

I hope to adopt a child, and I really hope that I can make a child who came from poverty and hardship see that they are worth a family who loves them, that they are worth the time and attention. Even though I still plan on baring my own, I know that none of my future children will be taken for granted or favorited. Everyone is worthy of unconditional love.

Photos: Top by Zana "Group Shot"Archival print on Somerset papers, Mid-left by Manik, 10 "Puja"Archival print on Somerset paper, Mid-right by Avijit, 11 "Self Portrait"Archival print on Somerset paper, Bottom by Suchitra, 14 "Girl on a Roof"Archival print on Somerset paper

Website: http://kids-with-cameras.org/home/