what a month

This month I have regained some sort of normality agian. Not about myself because I found that along the way this year, my old self and am seeking to find people I can start a Foodnotbombs function with, I am determined to make a difference in this life! No this normality, well actually it is stability that has returned, I got a job as a reservation manager for a moving company. Thats right folks an office job, the kind that i protested when i was in my 8th grade band the evil pixies, and I guess still did till i got hired last week. I think I was worried about becoming jaded and stuck. I don't want to end up like my father, who should have been computer engineer but got stuck in a hospital(the money got to him). I guess I was afraid the money would get me comfortable, but I will say that there is not enough money where I am to get comfy. I just had to prioritize again, as one does when their thoughts are like a game of pictionary, scribbles all over the place trying to form a complete thought. I have once again made the list that will be posted on my desk to remind me why I am talking to the angry customer about how the truck seats aren't soft enough. It is the list that has all my priorities/dreams/goals on it.

L

house

marriage

kids

happiness

This list has gotton me through tough rushes, bad customers and spilled drinks. Now it will again serve its purpose when I want to take a nap at my desk or just can't take another call about why can't they bring the truck to somewhere else if blockbuster charges you then what do you think will happen with a vehicle.

Also this month I got a kitty!!! Her name is december and at the moment she is asleep on my bed oh excuse me her bed. I love her sooooo much, she has for now stopped my biological time clock from ticking so loud. I know I am twenty but I just can't help it i have the need. Anyway I love getting up in the morning and see that she is patiently waiting by my head pawing ever so gently just enough to wake me for her breakfast. Not to sound like crazy cat lady, but this love is so different I understand it now and am glad that I was given this gift, for christmas no less. My amazing girlfriend L gave her to me and that makes it even better because i think of her everytime i look at December and am overcome with love. Yes i know sappy but what can I say I feel I have purpose even if it just to sustain this cat's life.

Well off to bed must get up early to feed the kid and get ready for work :)

*look forward*

This year is coming to an end and there are many things I want to make better not change. Change implies that it must be a 180 which is an impossible goal and would be setting myself up for failure.

Things to better:

eating habits: switching to a mostly vegitarian diet and organic if i can help it

exercise: try my best to go for hike and do yoga at least once a week if not more

personality: try to ask how was your day? more often and less chatter about mine

also try to be less passive and explain how i feel about something when I feel it.

Spiritually: do ritual once a week if not more and meditate twice a week try to remember that the universe is one and that peace can be found anywhere.

Determination: take my GED passing is what I want but right now the focus is doing the best I can so the pressure won't promise me a fail. Also try even in a tiny effort to start a foodnotbombs function.

General:make someones day a little better

Yearning for Peace

Its always about now at 2am when everyone is asleep, and everything is silent that I feel that fire inside me. That yearning to do something more with my life. There is a person who is living the life I had imagined for myself and I got to thinking why can't I live it I have a beautiful supportive girlfriend and that fire inside me that wants to do more, thats wants to be more. Although the peace corps isn't a possibility at the moment (hopefully someday when we are married we can go) I still want to do something to make a difference in this world. She believes I can I believe I can so I will! I will no longer look upon that person with envy but with inspiration.

*Look Forward*
I know its been awhile since this part has happened but i felt a little lost for a bit, but as sanity returns so does my motivation to keep going. I think for now the farthest I can look forward is tomorrow I really need to take it one day at a time and focus on changing my situation for the better. Volunteer, GED, Employment, School, etc.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THATS IT!

ITS 3AM AND I AM AWAKE BECAUSE I HAVE INSOMNIA DUE TO WELL ME. SO MANY THOUGHTS RUN THROUGH MY HEAD AND I KNOW THE MOMENT I LAY DOWN THATS IT THEY WILL ALL GANG UP ON ME AND SOME EVEN INVADE MY DREAMS. YOU KNOW WHAT THOUGH I AM SICK OF SITTING I AM SICK OF FEELING ASHAMED BECAUSE I AM NOT AS SUCCESSFUL AS I SHOULD BE OR THAT I AM NOT AS FIT AS I WANT AND NEED TO BE THATS IT! FOR TOO LONG I HAVE SAT HERE WITH ALL THESE VOICES TELLING ME I AM NO GOOD I AM JUST A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT AND THAT I AM SOMEONE TO POINT AND LAUGH AT WELL NO MORE! I AM ME! DOES EVERYONE UNDERSTAND I AM WHO I AM AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT YOU CAN FUCK OFF BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE PLEASING EVERYONE ALL THE TIME I CAN'T TAKE THE SMILING AND THE LAUGHING AND THE CONSTANT WISHING THAT I WAS A BETTER FUCKING PERSON CUZ YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN BE NO I WILL BE! SO FUCK YOU TO WHOEVER DOESN'T BELIEVE ME AND FUCK YOU TO WHOEVER DOESN'T LIKE WHAT I AM SAYING. I AM JUST SICK OF WASTING MY TIME DOING NOTHING I WILL GET MY GED I WILL MAKE THIS BUSINESS A SUCCESS, I WILL GET MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN AND LIVE IN A BEAUTIFUL HOME AND I WILL CLIMB A FUCKING MOUNTAIN. WHEN ALL OF THAT IS DONE I WILL GO TO THOSE NAY SAYERS AND SPIT IN THEIR FACES! I AM DONE THATS IT!

Dear Yous

Words to people I know, pick the right one and see what is really inside me.

To whomever this my concern,

Do you think about me as much as I about you, if you saw me would you blame or would you simply nod your head and say see I told ya so.

Are you happy, do my failures take their toll. I try please note. Still I see I notice your distance. Maybe my best is not enough maybe you want to give up but the smile I have seen will make me fight till the grass is again green. More patience is all I can ask, unfairly I know. Water me and watch me grow, this year has bared no fruit yet when your not watching I will sprout to the ceiling. Your efforts will be rewarded.

Where have you gone? perhaps family was too strong a word. I am noticing now that really we are just alone, inside ourselves. You promised you wouldn't go yet maybe I left first who knows, but your conviction was weak and your bond I guess weaker. Will it be as we imagined or were my dreams not good enough, are his any better? Its been so long since I have heard your voice maybe my fault to but family is growing thin.

You suprised me most of all, with your encouragement and love. It isn't your gender that is the reason but the fact that for the many long years that we have grown We never truly spoke about more than a lesson. I am glad to call you my friend thick and thin.

Why are you so afraid? You try you fail it is a process that is repitious. So now the try is gone and you sit in failure. Look what you have become, soon the outside will be to much to bare. Get out while you can get up while you stand and Fight before you've lost. I love you and a mountain you shall climb, but first the small challenges you shall greet. So many I know you've seen but life isn't over and if you lost everything now would you say you put it all in or hid like a hobbit. Time to get goin, make your move, later may not give you time to choose.

lost not found(rapid thoughts)

I don't know what to do right now I don't know what to think right now. I know its not just about the phone its about a lot of things. I don't think, even when i try I can't even when I want to I can't just hit me it will be better if someone beats the shit out of me. I am sorry so sorry but you don't want to hear that anymore and I understand its okay You have every right to be angry every right to upset but please I am on my knees again pleading please please understand. I know you neeed someone too i know I am a handful and you need someone to rant and rave to aand I understand but there is nothing i can do I will forget the money and look anyway I would rather lose that than lose you. I know a silly phone won't make or break us but my insecurities arise when I am weak and in this moment I am weak I am vulnerable and am doing all i can to make sure that old habits don't return I too am at my wits end I am so frustrated with myself everytime i want to start anew I always disappoint you You are amazing your my world and I want it to stay that way I refuse to give up your mine and it will stay that way because I can feel it in my soul that I am yours and you are mine.
I love you ! no matter what I will always love you

Day of Silence

I hear the sounds of heated discussion and I wonder is it about me. Not to sound self involved but the fights usually are about me. I am simply a cover up of something else gone array.

Today has been odd. I haven't spoken to anyone really well not with my voice anyhow and spent today thinking (dangerous I know). Thinking about what I want out of life and what I need out of life and how to get both to coexist. Talks need to be had and words need to be written, mostly I need to learn to use my words again. There was once a time where I was able to eloquently describe an emotion or was able to precisely convey a thought I had. There is just so much inside me now that I wonder if perhaps I have let it sit far too long for words to suffice. When I start to talk I begin to feel silly, like this is just some prolonged PMS mode that my emotions are in. I am scared and don't know why. Perhaps this is all just the side affects of being beaten in the head by a chair. I was thinking about those mountains I want to climb and that yoga I need to do and today it just felt so I don't know. The passion for me to do these things is still there, that isn't it, its just today. Today is a weird day and I will leave it to that.

*Look Forward*
must talk:
wanted
needed
necessary
use words