Its all about choices

Tonight for some weird reason I felt compelled to look up old classmates and old best friends. I think perhaps its because I am again for the upteenth time at this point where I can choose to change my life for the better or for the harder. This time though I feel that this is it, my last chance to grow up. Back to the subject at hand. I found those old classemates, more importantly my old best friends, which is sorta strange to see because out of them all I am the only one gone. They are off at college (together) and one is married and pregnant. Its really strange to think that one slight difference and my whole life would be different right now. Never introducing my mother to net dating, would have altered my course. Yet I am ecstatic that I did introduce my mom to the internet. Even through all this weirdness and yes a little sadness(only for not keeping in touch, not for leaving) I know that this is where i am supposed to be in life, so I may not be successful at the moment or be the prettiest. I have one thing that might sound corny but most sadly don't have it, thats love. I truly believe that love has saved my soul, and my life. I have reason to grow up, I have reason to go to work, to finish school, to make something of myself, not for money or fame or eternal glory but to make myself and the person I love more than the world proud of me. The only piece of advice that I will ever take from my father is not to do anything in spite. These are his only words I believe because he lived his whole life in it, his goals achieved because of it, he raised me in it, and his work addiction was thanks to it, everything was done out of spite. He has loads of cash, sure but cash is cold. I must remember though that success is good, its the ego thats bad. Out of all of my friends I turned out to be the stastic, but from better more peaceful life choices I will rise from these ashes of spite and spring forth the strong successful driven woman i have always envisioned myself!

Starting so many things...

Tomorrow I will begin writing a page a day of fiction and posting it here,also this week I began eating differently which I hope will lead to me becoming healthier physically, I am also gonna work on spiritually. Later this week I intend on sitting down to meditate and do a ritual maybe even some yoga (gasp!) I am trying it is hard but I am very proud of myself tonight I was starving and I didn't run to the fridge instead I thought about it and it was purely psychological. Also i am working very hard on staying positive which I think I have done a superb job with (see). Cheers to new beginnings!

..............................3 lb lost. 39 lb to go......................Goal

A journey begun

but halfway through

so many years i have tried

yet now it seems is the time

now is my moment

onward i look

pain i will take

for in the end i understand

the happiness will be,

greater than,

when the journey began

After shock perception

Looking with blinders on,
fish eyes and no one near,
everything is scary and nothing feels real,
is this a dream, a nightmare?
i extend my arms hold me tight!
I feel as if I am slipping threw the cracks of life,
no not life, reality, this universe is faulty
terrorfied of an early demise,
don't let go, till the world slows
I was fine back in normal,
please let me go back to my comfortable perception
careful I don't want to get sucked in,
this is not any emotion other than fear
normal i will wait right here.

The First Steps

Today I achieved about thirty seconds of silence in my head while meditating and could only hold my meditative position for about 5 min. It is a start and one that finally feels right. My mind is always filled with worry regret and a never ending to do list. I just need to quiet it. To have it take a nap for a bit to regain its clarity. I haven't eaten meat today and have thanked the gods in a small ritual for the many blessings since Yuletide, I asked for so much and thus far I have been pointed in the direction that would lead me to those things. That is one misconception of Wicca that if you do a "spell"(I prefer the term ritual) that it will be like charmed or harry potter where things will just come out of nothing. They are more like elaborate prayers.

If I did not say hey I want a cat how would I have gotten my kitty or if I didn't fill out the job app then I obviously wouldn't have gotten the job. So turning my hair colors and so called "glamour" magic is just childish and a waste of energy. Why waste useful energy on a whole ritual to turn my hair orange when I can go out and buy dye. I have asked for many other things, and ask for guidance in my path towards to those goals/requests.

Cheers to the new years and to the many new beginnings that are hopefully fruitful.

Peace to all!

*Look Forward*

This segment is being preempted for the moment for another titled "The human service" I would like to list anything I have started or have done towards my goal of making some positive difference in the world.

*The Human Service*

I really want to make a difference in this world and after reading what I have today am scared. I am not scared of the persecution but that I may not be able to see America become a place of peace and hope in my lifetime. Sadly there are many things that I cannot trust and so must go forth on my own to create a group that will feed the homeless and other things. First step figure out exactly what the point and cause is although I believe human decency is cause enough.

what a month

This month I have regained some sort of normality agian. Not about myself because I found that along the way this year, my old self and am seeking to find people I can start a Foodnotbombs function with, I am determined to make a difference in this life! No this normality, well actually it is stability that has returned, I got a job as a reservation manager for a moving company. Thats right folks an office job, the kind that i protested when i was in my 8th grade band the evil pixies, and I guess still did till i got hired last week. I think I was worried about becoming jaded and stuck. I don't want to end up like my father, who should have been computer engineer but got stuck in a hospital(the money got to him). I guess I was afraid the money would get me comfortable, but I will say that there is not enough money where I am to get comfy. I just had to prioritize again, as one does when their thoughts are like a game of pictionary, scribbles all over the place trying to form a complete thought. I have once again made the list that will be posted on my desk to remind me why I am talking to the angry customer about how the truck seats aren't soft enough. It is the list that has all my priorities/dreams/goals on it.

L

house

marriage

kids

happiness

This list has gotton me through tough rushes, bad customers and spilled drinks. Now it will again serve its purpose when I want to take a nap at my desk or just can't take another call about why can't they bring the truck to somewhere else if blockbuster charges you then what do you think will happen with a vehicle.

Also this month I got a kitty!!! Her name is december and at the moment she is asleep on my bed oh excuse me her bed. I love her sooooo much, she has for now stopped my biological time clock from ticking so loud. I know I am twenty but I just can't help it i have the need. Anyway I love getting up in the morning and see that she is patiently waiting by my head pawing ever so gently just enough to wake me for her breakfast. Not to sound like crazy cat lady, but this love is so different I understand it now and am glad that I was given this gift, for christmas no less. My amazing girlfriend L gave her to me and that makes it even better because i think of her everytime i look at December and am overcome with love. Yes i know sappy but what can I say I feel I have purpose even if it just to sustain this cat's life.

Well off to bed must get up early to feed the kid and get ready for work :)

*look forward*

This year is coming to an end and there are many things I want to make better not change. Change implies that it must be a 180 which is an impossible goal and would be setting myself up for failure.

Things to better:

eating habits: switching to a mostly vegitarian diet and organic if i can help it

exercise: try my best to go for hike and do yoga at least once a week if not more

personality: try to ask how was your day? more often and less chatter about mine

also try to be less passive and explain how i feel about something when I feel it.

Spiritually: do ritual once a week if not more and meditate twice a week try to remember that the universe is one and that peace can be found anywhere.

Determination: take my GED passing is what I want but right now the focus is doing the best I can so the pressure won't promise me a fail. Also try even in a tiny effort to start a foodnotbombs function.

General:make someones day a little better

Yearning for Peace

Its always about now at 2am when everyone is asleep, and everything is silent that I feel that fire inside me. That yearning to do something more with my life. There is a person who is living the life I had imagined for myself and I got to thinking why can't I live it I have a beautiful supportive girlfriend and that fire inside me that wants to do more, thats wants to be more. Although the peace corps isn't a possibility at the moment (hopefully someday when we are married we can go) I still want to do something to make a difference in this world. She believes I can I believe I can so I will! I will no longer look upon that person with envy but with inspiration.

*Look Forward*
I know its been awhile since this part has happened but i felt a little lost for a bit, but as sanity returns so does my motivation to keep going. I think for now the farthest I can look forward is tomorrow I really need to take it one day at a time and focus on changing my situation for the better. Volunteer, GED, Employment, School, etc.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH