Happy Imbolc!/ Changing the world.

Today is Imbolc or as many know it candlemas. This is a time of Purity, Growth and Re-Newal, The Re-Union of the Goddess and the God, Fertility, and dispensing of the old and making way for the new. So the timing seems right that I should renew my drive to make a difference in this world. The longing has always been there, but I need to know what happened that took the drive,that took that belief that "yes I can change the world", that took my identity. I will continue to look inside myself and find out why I so ubruptly stopped fighting for change. Yet I will too not dwell within myself blindness to the world and to others never changed a thing. I just don't want to make the same mistake this bishop made.
The following is inscribed on the tomb of an Anglican Bishop in Westminster Abby (1100 A.D.) …

"When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country.

But it, too, seemed immovable.

As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.

And now, as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family.

From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country, and who knows, I may have even changed the world."

Again happy Imbolc now spring is coming near and it is time to throw out past negativities and grow into something better something more pure. I wish everyone good fortune in their own journeys and may you strive to always be better.

Eyes Wide Shut

Funny i should mention rehab because there is a problem(not that i didn't know before).
codependency is me,
step one admitting the problem
that is the only step i know but that doesn't mean my road to recovery is any less traveled
this time without reaching out without self medicating without taking a short cut
this time reaching in to find what must be done which parts that must be watered
must make it work must make it grow
if i don't i would have crushed an entire human soul
which is worse than killing worse than murder.

those eyes i see everywhere
look inside them and I want to know but am afraid to ask
will it seem fake will it seem as if i am just appeasing
But i severely want to know what is the feeling
what is it the thinking when no one is around or looking.

the roses they live to remind
of the consequence of living out of touch
living with eyes wide shut.

They should have rehab for people like me.

I have broken a good person and have made, are making them doubt. I am a selfish asshole, and so many people have told me growing up "wow you remind me so much of your father" its only now that I see the striking resemblence. There are no words to remedy this situation there are no quick fixes my penence is a lifetime. I can only use my actions from this point on because I know my words have no value. This time if my life is wrecked it is because of me, and my actions not because of anyone else's failures only my own. I am terrified of failing, of succeeding, that I realized everything too late, that i cried wolf too many times, of everything but what is to fear if my chips are already all in. I have broken THE most amazing person i have ever met but I will spend eternity building what was had back up, because this was my failure this was my fault no one elses, no more bullshit excuses, no more lying to myself time to get my shit together and gain some humility compassion and overall decency again. Time to be true and be the person i once knew. I hope with every last drop in me that it isn't too late.

Its all about choices

Tonight for some weird reason I felt compelled to look up old classmates and old best friends. I think perhaps its because I am again for the upteenth time at this point where I can choose to change my life for the better or for the harder. This time though I feel that this is it, my last chance to grow up. Back to the subject at hand. I found those old classemates, more importantly my old best friends, which is sorta strange to see because out of them all I am the only one gone. They are off at college (together) and one is married and pregnant. Its really strange to think that one slight difference and my whole life would be different right now. Never introducing my mother to net dating, would have altered my course. Yet I am ecstatic that I did introduce my mom to the internet. Even through all this weirdness and yes a little sadness(only for not keeping in touch, not for leaving) I know that this is where i am supposed to be in life, so I may not be successful at the moment or be the prettiest. I have one thing that might sound corny but most sadly don't have it, thats love. I truly believe that love has saved my soul, and my life. I have reason to grow up, I have reason to go to work, to finish school, to make something of myself, not for money or fame or eternal glory but to make myself and the person I love more than the world proud of me. The only piece of advice that I will ever take from my father is not to do anything in spite. These are his only words I believe because he lived his whole life in it, his goals achieved because of it, he raised me in it, and his work addiction was thanks to it, everything was done out of spite. He has loads of cash, sure but cash is cold. I must remember though that success is good, its the ego thats bad. Out of all of my friends I turned out to be the stastic, but from better more peaceful life choices I will rise from these ashes of spite and spring forth the strong successful driven woman i have always envisioned myself!

Starting so many things...

Tomorrow I will begin writing a page a day of fiction and posting it here,also this week I began eating differently which I hope will lead to me becoming healthier physically, I am also gonna work on spiritually. Later this week I intend on sitting down to meditate and do a ritual maybe even some yoga (gasp!) I am trying it is hard but I am very proud of myself tonight I was starving and I didn't run to the fridge instead I thought about it and it was purely psychological. Also i am working very hard on staying positive which I think I have done a superb job with (see). Cheers to new beginnings!

..............................3 lb lost. 39 lb to go......................Goal

A journey begun

but halfway through

so many years i have tried

yet now it seems is the time

now is my moment

onward i look

pain i will take

for in the end i understand

the happiness will be,

greater than,

when the journey began

After shock perception

Looking with blinders on,
fish eyes and no one near,
everything is scary and nothing feels real,
is this a dream, a nightmare?
i extend my arms hold me tight!
I feel as if I am slipping threw the cracks of life,
no not life, reality, this universe is faulty
terrorfied of an early demise,
don't let go, till the world slows
I was fine back in normal,
please let me go back to my comfortable perception
careful I don't want to get sucked in,
this is not any emotion other than fear
normal i will wait right here.

The First Steps

Today I achieved about thirty seconds of silence in my head while meditating and could only hold my meditative position for about 5 min. It is a start and one that finally feels right. My mind is always filled with worry regret and a never ending to do list. I just need to quiet it. To have it take a nap for a bit to regain its clarity. I haven't eaten meat today and have thanked the gods in a small ritual for the many blessings since Yuletide, I asked for so much and thus far I have been pointed in the direction that would lead me to those things. That is one misconception of Wicca that if you do a "spell"(I prefer the term ritual) that it will be like charmed or harry potter where things will just come out of nothing. They are more like elaborate prayers.

If I did not say hey I want a cat how would I have gotten my kitty or if I didn't fill out the job app then I obviously wouldn't have gotten the job. So turning my hair colors and so called "glamour" magic is just childish and a waste of energy. Why waste useful energy on a whole ritual to turn my hair orange when I can go out and buy dye. I have asked for many other things, and ask for guidance in my path towards to those goals/requests.

Cheers to the new years and to the many new beginnings that are hopefully fruitful.

Peace to all!

*Look Forward*

This segment is being preempted for the moment for another titled "The human service" I would like to list anything I have started or have done towards my goal of making some positive difference in the world.

*The Human Service*

I really want to make a difference in this world and after reading what I have today am scared. I am not scared of the persecution but that I may not be able to see America become a place of peace and hope in my lifetime. Sadly there are many things that I cannot trust and so must go forth on my own to create a group that will feed the homeless and other things. First step figure out exactly what the point and cause is although I believe human decency is cause enough.