StableMinded

Its 1am and I should be asleep but alas I can't. Weird how life tends to never end up the way you thought it would. how no matter what anyone says you never truly cherish the moments until they become memories. There are so many mistakes i can't believe i have made, they keep me up at night. Yet I know that what I am doing right now is good is healthy and what I need to be doing regardless of the outcome. I want to get to a place where I can sleep at night because I finally feel that my good deeds outway my bad. My fears are changing as I am growing, but no longer am I letting those fears hold me down or freeze me in place. Must keep moving foward must always keep looking forward, because life can't be "tivo'd" there is no changing the past only using it to make your future better to get what you want out of life. I finally know what I want and silly or not my dreams have returned and so has my determination.

Great LezBritain: Interview with "Skins" writer Ed Hime | AfterEllen.com

Great LezBritain: Interview with "Skins" writer Ed Hime | AfterEllen.com: "AE: And that in itself is a more powerful story because if you go through hell and come out the other side of it, then it’s a deeper love?
EH: Yes, it is then enduring love. I mean this series was basically Emily and Naomi beating the s--t out of each other nearly the whole time. They were bloody and bruised but saying 'I still love you.' It’s beautiful to know that as a couple you have been tested in that way and come through it."

Patience is the key and something I am desperatly still working on slow and steady wins the race you know. I know that whatever must be done or felt or changed is worth it because as it said above and as I have been told its the struggles that make the love two people share everlasting.

That damn wagon

I hope that this wonderful wagon of change hasn't thrown me off. I feel that perhaps I am taking some steps back but I know I am taking some huge steps forward. Both feet though need to be aligned or I will fall again. No matter what I need to take control of my finances again and remember that phrase that is such a kill joy "no sorry i can't i don't have the money". My health is another step that must be stepped up. GOING to the gym tonight no excuses. No more eating out not only is it expensive but its really bad for my health and not as good as what can be made at home. The postive things that I know I am doing is learning to get through some pretty tough times without relying on others to make me feel better. Being able to take responsibility for my errors, and having some self control not giving into every feeling I have. Of course I have my days of not really feeling it, but for the most part I think I am doing pretty good. The one thing I have realized in the past couple of months is that I have to stop chasing the lady bugs because they will find me when I am ready.

And another list

Of things I want to do(not in any particular order)...

successfully launch my community event

Pass my GED

Get into the culinary program

Win the penguin back

Make more money

Learn to drive

Finish a short story regardless if my friends like it

make more friends

pay off all my credit cards -only one to go :]

lose more weight/get back to sf look

find a coven

buy a home

buy an ipod touch

actually start saving

start taking the metro places

Go organic

Another List

List of things I want to learn to cook:

Mole (spanish dish with a chocolate chile sauce not the animal lol)

Shepherd's Pie

Actual chicken curry both Indian and Thai

Daal

Naan

Tomato soup (a good one not just pureed tomatoes)

Broccoli and cheese

puff pastry

crepe

poached egg

and the list will cont'

Tragedy

Crying doesn't ever seem to make things better. My eyes now red and poofy, I am scared of what I am losing. So much all at once grasping for the saving grip, holding on with just my fingertip. I want to sleep but I can't I want to breath but I can't why is it not better in the morning. Shouldn't life come with some warning. Beware love with extreme care. Everything you love eventually fades. All that is left is the lone superhero all that is left is a cold house with colder souls. Get over it they scream and shout its nothing to cry about! Its the memory that i'm mourning the time when things needed no warning a time when smiles were plenty and laughter constant. Sidekick very well may be but to me I've lost touch with another memory, this is but another tragedy.

reposting seems appropriate

this is a poem that i wrote earlier in the year that again seems appropriate:

A journey begun

but halfway through

so many years i have tried

yet now it seems is the time

now is my moment

onward i look

pain i will take

for in the end i understand

the happiness will be,

greater than,

when the journey began

OH I THINK SO! NO I KNOW SO!

YES I CAN
YES I CAN
YES I WILL DO THIS
NO MATTER WHAT
I WILL DO THIS
IF THIS IS WHAT IT TAKES THAN THIS IS WHAT I MUST DO
NOT A SINGLE IF AND OR BUT ABOUT IT
I WILL DO IT
I AM DETERMINED
ALL MY GOALS WILL BE ACCOMPLISHED

i got my ass handed to me sorta

so I went to the gym today and I feel fucking fantabulous. It was a great work out but I know I can do better and I will I am determined to do 10 push ups so I can teach someone yoga ;) I got home took a shower and thought clearly it was nice. I have a few questions I want answered but then again I don't. I am trying so hard to fix myself I can't wait to be someone that others will want to play with again especially that someone. I know no one reads this blog so that thought is a little freeing. Also my fear level is going down and my determination to make my life the best damned life it can be is going up. I haven't even taken the test yet but my self esteem is already going up. No longer will I self defeat, and i haven't made a bullshit excuse in a month and a half not even to myself. There is apart of me that feels like i am making huge strides and another part that doesn't. its that latter part though that keeps me moving because I know if i settle for even a moment it will take over and all will be lost. I may have started all this for someone else but I am finishing what I started for me because its time that I fufill the dreams that have yet to be fulfilled it is time that i move on from my past and it is time that no matter what happens in my life I must know that I will be okay that I must take responsiblity for me and stop depending on others to make me feel good about myself. It is time that my inner child shut up and let me grow up and let me have healthy relationships. I am one in this world but not because people don't love me or because I don't have the best gf in the whole world no I am one in that I am a strong independent woman thats right woman who will stop at nothing to achieve her goals.

waking up finally

this week has been somewhat of a blur. Had two seizures on monday felt weird till like right about now. Not oh something is off weird but my heart is pounding because I am terrofied of I don't know what sort of off. Yay though that it is finally passing, it was really scary. studying for this test is starting to get interesting, we're getting to word problems and there are guest appearances :) Math is starting to get really fun, thanks to a certain someone ;) next 3 days off working on studying cooking and peaceful produce.

hidden humility

Today I fully showed a part of myself that I have been extremely ashamed and embarrassed of for a really long time, and I am really grateful for the person I opened this part up to. It may seem silly it may seem like this is no big deal but for me it meant a great deal. It unlocked a part of me that I didn't know was there a part that says its okay you don't always have to be the best just DO your best. I WILL do my best and I WILL pass that test. thank you for the love and the humility :]

Tick tock goes the clock

I know the answers but yet I ask,
words not neccessary
still i say too many
tick tock goes the clock
tick tock goes the clock
sit and fiddle
how to find an answer to this riddle
feeling and logic
everyone else seems to understand
just me
tick tock goes the clock
tick tock goes the clock
dropping the ball
ruining moments
trying too hard
terrorfied of the end of the ride
tick tock goes the clock
tick tock goes the clock
i know the feeling but yet i ask
stomach in knots
so hard in spots
no matter what i do
tick tock goes the clock
tick tock goes the clock
lips touch and i fall into you
the answers to all the questions
the answers to all the riddles
lie within that moment
and for that moment
tick tock does not go the clock
tick tock does not go the clock.

katie ka boom!

thats right its A fucking rant! i had a bad fucking day one complaint after another. SO your gonna call your lawyer well sir you don't even have any fucking money to pay for your goddamn truck how the hell you gonna afford a lawyer you have your family living in a hotel for heavensake! NO YOU FUCKING IDIOT I CAN'T JUST WALK TO PALM SPRINGS IF I AM IN MORENO VALLEY TO GET SOMEONE ON THE PHONE FOR YOU IF THEIR LINES ARE TRANSFERED HERE TO FUCKING BAD!!!!!!!!!!! AND DON'T YOU FUCKING CUSS ME OUT CUZ YOUR RUNNING LATE SO THE HELL WHAT I DON'T GIVE A SHIT DON'T CALL ME A DUMBASS YOUR THE IDIOT WHO THINKS I CAN WALK TO PALM SPRINGS ALL CUZ YOU NEED A FUCKING TRAILER!!!!! NO LADY AT IEHP OFFICE YOUR WEBSITE SAYS YOU WOULD HELP ME WITH MY GODDAMN MEDI-CAL FORM EXCUSE ME IF THATS NOT WHAT YOU DO GET SOMEONE TO DESIGN YOUR FUCKING WEBSITE BETTER FUCK! AND MED-CAL I AM TWENTY YEARS OLD DOES THAT SOUND LIKE CHILD TO YOU DOES THAT SOUND LIKE OH SHE DOESN'T NEED HEALTH INSURANCE SHE IS TOO YOUNG WITH TOO MUCH MONEY REALLY WHERE THE FUCK IS IT TELL ME I WANT TO FUCKING KNOW!! BESIDES WHAT SHOULD IT MATTER HOW OLD I AM I NEED FUCKING HEALTH INSURANCE!!!! AND YOU YES YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE ONE WITH NOT ENOUGH TIME OR LENGTH ON YOUR LEASH TO COME HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIEND THE ONE WHO HAS TRIED TO BE THERE FOR YOU THROUGH ALL YOUR TROUBLES I SAY TRY CUZ YOU WON'T EVEN CALL ME ANYMORE IF SOMETHING DEVASTATING HAPPENS AND IF SOMETHING DEVASTATING HAPPENS TO ME TOO FUCKING BAD EH!!!!!!!!!!! WHATS HIS FACE IS THROWING A BITCH FIT CUZ YOU FUCKING PISSED WITHOUT HIM DAMN IT I FUCKING MISS YOU I REALLY NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO RIGHT NOW AND INSTEAD I AM TALKING TO THE CAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW I HAVE CUZ ITS BEEN THAT LONG SINCE WE TALKED AT ALL. FUCK YOU AND FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The roses are still living...

They are in a vase and live, yet are delicate. They are honestly the longest lasting flowers I have ever recieved and when I think I might explode from fear or doubt or anything else I just look at them and see that they are still living. Much like the beauty and the beast those roses represent life itself to me. I see them and know that there is hope, that no matter the vessal with a little water beauty can come of it.
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As vague as this writing is and most of my writing is I am soliced by the fact that no matter what happens in life no matter the time of day or what year it is or what i have done words will always find their way onto a page expressing my thoughts expressing my feelings and expressing things I cannot find the words for when i speak. Writing allows me that moment, to gather my thoughts to gather what I want to say and it doesn't get jumbled through speech it is a direct line from mind to expression. I love words.

Untitled Draft

The trees made waves amongst themselves and sounded as if they were the ocean. Yet the ocean was but a distant memory a far removed part of scenery for veronica. It had been about seven years since she had even seen a seashell. Mostly it was avoidance, of what was something she didn't want to think of and so didn't. Yet breezy days as today made her remember, her brain didn't ask it just flashed pictures of smiling faces and loving embraces. Veronica stopped watching the trees and began to walk faster atop the uptown cement sidewalk, passing shoppers with bags violently. "EXCUSE ME!" one shouted. She only glanced back grimiced apologetically and continued on her way to work. Veronica finally opened the door to her office and sighed with relief. She knew she would always get here she would always be here on the top floor, in this corner office, with a secretary of her vary own. "ms. morton your 11 o'clock is here" the intercom was so clear it seemed as though marcy her secretary was in the room. This startled veronica and she jumped in her seat, then looked around to see if anyone had noticed. "okay send him in marcy thank you" How could she have forgotton this meeting it was crucial to her commuity outreach department that this meeting go well without this extra 500,000 the company just would not be able to afford its annual community charity ball. It was hard for a company that buys old homes, only to tear them down and turn them into posh condos to get such donations. Veronica sat up gathered herself and stood to welcome this hopeful donor. He was a hefty but handsome man, with a lovely smile.
As the meeting ended and the champagne was brought out to toast the ball that would be taking place Veronica was reminded why exactly she had this corner office. The generous donor left and she was left with mounds of paperwork as usual. It wasn't till after dark did she decide enough for today. After all her cat wouldn't miss her, and dinner was already prepared by J'ai Faim de Toi, her favorite restraunt in the whole city. The servers already knew her order and the chef often gave her more than she ordered simply because she was a favorite and it was so late, that food would have been thrown out. She retrieved her dinner and drove home to her posh condo. Once inside she kicked off her heels and immediatly changed into her sweats. She never like office attire but was a suit in exchange for a mil a year. Veronica sat her dinner on the table along with a plate, fork and steak knife. She had ordered a beautifully medium rare serloin topped with a sweet red wine reduction and carmalized pearl onions. As she ate she thought of all the things she had forgotton to do at the office.
When it happened it happened so fast she was unable to do anything but swallow her food and sit in shock. "bitch if you move, talk or scream I will cut your throat wide open" the masked intruder had her own steak knife to her throat and pressed down roughly. Still in shock fear hadn't set in, the last thoughts of the office finished lingering in her brain like the end of rolling credits. The intruder called another man over and ordered him to tie her hands to the chair. The nylon rubbed up against her skin so quickly she could feel a burn form. She looked down and realized they were her own black nylons she bought last week. Veronica look up at the second man he was husky but that was all she could see his body was covered in black clothing. He seemed unsure of his actions, and was now taping her mouth shut. She pleaded with her eyes to let her go, she would give him everything in the safe just let her go. The knife now drawing blood from pure pressure up against her throat. "listen bitch if we don't find what we're looking for your dead, but hey don't worry even if we do your dead so either way you don't have to worry about therapy bills" the man released the knife from her throat. "So where do you keep that laptop of yours" Still behind her he began tracing the knife up and down her cheek. Veronica began to cry, this is not how she wanted to die, this is not the person she wanted people to remember. The self absorbed work a holic whose only legacy was that she tore down people's memories for money. A person who couldn't even hold onto the most important person in her life because she was too busy to notice anything but herself. The burning sting and sudden darkness brought her back to the current situation. She had never been so severly slapped before. "i said where is the goddamn laptop!" the knife man now in her face looked at her with eyes so green they themselves almost stabbed her. "oh silly me I forgot about the tape on your mouth" he chided. "hey stop eating and go look up stairs dumbfuck!" the husky man looked up from his bite of veronica's dinner and almost looked as if he was going to speak but instead just dropped the fork and ran upstairs. "my my my you are pretty, don't worry we aren't sickos we won't touch you but maybe if your nice we'll let you touch us." her heart began to race and so did her thoughts, 'no not me this doesn't happen to me' "Just kidding, you need to learn to loosen up a bit, you don't want your last moments to be filled with being such a prude do you?" the knife man laughed and sat on a seat at the table as if he were a dinner guest.

Indebted

You sit there and I sit here
All i can do is stare,
stare at what i no longer am privlige to
1:45 I look over to find what the pain is definitaly worth,
growing old with you on this earth
right now it may seem foggy, it may seem ahaze,
but I KNOW we will see better days,
I am not done fighting,
Days, weeks, months years,
no matter how long I must rightfully repay your tears
You will not see me quitting.

This is not the end only the beginning.

Happy Imbolc!/ Changing the world.

Today is Imbolc or as many know it candlemas. This is a time of Purity, Growth and Re-Newal, The Re-Union of the Goddess and the God, Fertility, and dispensing of the old and making way for the new. So the timing seems right that I should renew my drive to make a difference in this world. The longing has always been there, but I need to know what happened that took the drive,that took that belief that "yes I can change the world", that took my identity. I will continue to look inside myself and find out why I so ubruptly stopped fighting for change. Yet I will too not dwell within myself blindness to the world and to others never changed a thing. I just don't want to make the same mistake this bishop made.
The following is inscribed on the tomb of an Anglican Bishop in Westminster Abby (1100 A.D.) …

"When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country.

But it, too, seemed immovable.

As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.

And now, as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family.

From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country, and who knows, I may have even changed the world."

Again happy Imbolc now spring is coming near and it is time to throw out past negativities and grow into something better something more pure. I wish everyone good fortune in their own journeys and may you strive to always be better.

Eyes Wide Shut

Funny i should mention rehab because there is a problem(not that i didn't know before).
codependency is me,
step one admitting the problem
that is the only step i know but that doesn't mean my road to recovery is any less traveled
this time without reaching out without self medicating without taking a short cut
this time reaching in to find what must be done which parts that must be watered
must make it work must make it grow
if i don't i would have crushed an entire human soul
which is worse than killing worse than murder.

those eyes i see everywhere
look inside them and I want to know but am afraid to ask
will it seem fake will it seem as if i am just appeasing
But i severely want to know what is the feeling
what is it the thinking when no one is around or looking.

the roses they live to remind
of the consequence of living out of touch
living with eyes wide shut.

They should have rehab for people like me.

I have broken a good person and have made, are making them doubt. I am a selfish asshole, and so many people have told me growing up "wow you remind me so much of your father" its only now that I see the striking resemblence. There are no words to remedy this situation there are no quick fixes my penence is a lifetime. I can only use my actions from this point on because I know my words have no value. This time if my life is wrecked it is because of me, and my actions not because of anyone else's failures only my own. I am terrified of failing, of succeeding, that I realized everything too late, that i cried wolf too many times, of everything but what is to fear if my chips are already all in. I have broken THE most amazing person i have ever met but I will spend eternity building what was had back up, because this was my failure this was my fault no one elses, no more bullshit excuses, no more lying to myself time to get my shit together and gain some humility compassion and overall decency again. Time to be true and be the person i once knew. I hope with every last drop in me that it isn't too late.

Its all about choices

Tonight for some weird reason I felt compelled to look up old classmates and old best friends. I think perhaps its because I am again for the upteenth time at this point where I can choose to change my life for the better or for the harder. This time though I feel that this is it, my last chance to grow up. Back to the subject at hand. I found those old classemates, more importantly my old best friends, which is sorta strange to see because out of them all I am the only one gone. They are off at college (together) and one is married and pregnant. Its really strange to think that one slight difference and my whole life would be different right now. Never introducing my mother to net dating, would have altered my course. Yet I am ecstatic that I did introduce my mom to the internet. Even through all this weirdness and yes a little sadness(only for not keeping in touch, not for leaving) I know that this is where i am supposed to be in life, so I may not be successful at the moment or be the prettiest. I have one thing that might sound corny but most sadly don't have it, thats love. I truly believe that love has saved my soul, and my life. I have reason to grow up, I have reason to go to work, to finish school, to make something of myself, not for money or fame or eternal glory but to make myself and the person I love more than the world proud of me. The only piece of advice that I will ever take from my father is not to do anything in spite. These are his only words I believe because he lived his whole life in it, his goals achieved because of it, he raised me in it, and his work addiction was thanks to it, everything was done out of spite. He has loads of cash, sure but cash is cold. I must remember though that success is good, its the ego thats bad. Out of all of my friends I turned out to be the stastic, but from better more peaceful life choices I will rise from these ashes of spite and spring forth the strong successful driven woman i have always envisioned myself!